Below are links to everything Tracy Jordan said in each season of 30 Rock up through Season 5 in honor of 30 Rock’s last episode. I have a little less time than I used to, so I haven’t done Season 6 and Season 7, and now that the show’s over they’ll probably never get done (if I’m being honest). These are just transcripts of Tracy Jordan’s dialogue without context, which some people find boring. I find them magical. You can also find Everything Don Draper Said and a few characters from Lost, too.
Spike will air an Eddie Murphy tribute on November 14th featuring Chris Rock, Samuel L. Jackson, Tracy Morgan, Arsenio Hall, Brett Ratner, Charlie Murphy, Jeffrey Katzenberg, and Martin Lawrence called “Eddie Murphy: One Night Only.” I really hope it’s good.
The special, produced with Don Mischer Productions, will include short films, musical performances and sketch comedy — as well as an appearance by Murphy. It will chart his rise from a 15-year-old standup to a star of “Saturday Night Live” and such films as “Raw,” “Coming to America,” and the “Beverly Hills Cop” franchise.
Ignoring for a moment why he needs to apologize, Tracy Morgan offers a pretty good one. Public figures that screw up could learn a lot from watching this video. It’s sincere, and there are no qualifiers. The, “I’m sorry to anyone my words may have offended” qualifier is the worst.
Via The Daily What.
Here for your reading pleasure and nitpicky criticism is Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 5 of 30 Rock. As always, this is actually EVERYTHING he said, and is not intended to be a best of. This was a pretty analog exercise 2 years ago when I did it the first time, and it feels more so now. Theoretically, this should be a 20 minute supercut of all his lines for the season. There is, however, something interesting about seeing all of the lines in one place. You can also check out: Other seasons of Tracy Jordan, Everything Hurley Said, Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, and Everything Don Draper Said.
-Yo. I’m calling to say that I’m giving you 110% this year. I’m relaxed. I’m focused. And I’m gonna be churning out the good stuff like you’ve never seen.
-Oh. I misdialed. I thought I was calling my nutritionist. Goodbye.
-Hey, KKKK. First day back is gonna be a busy one. First, I need you to go to the drycleaners for me and find out how Martinizing works. I’ve always been curious. Then, I need you to be back by noon to make the bathroom smell like sandalwood before I wreck it. You got that K-Pack of Gum.
-Of course. I knew that.
-Kenneth, I knew you’d come back. Let me smell your head.
-I’m sorry, but my heart is playing tricks on my eyes, just like my kidneys did to my lungs that time.
-I keep hallucinating Kenneth. Am I going crazy again? Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage?
-Like the World Cup. I’ll try. No. This place is too full of memories. I’ve got to clear my head!
-No! You do not exist. I am in control of this.
-You’re not real. If I threw you in front of a car, it would drive right through you.
-Of course it would. It would know everything I knew because it sprung from my imagination.
-Oh, no. I missed it! Do it again.
-I love you, Kenwood. Why don’t you come back home to TGS. Pick the peas out of my fried rice. And the rice. I just want carrots.
-Don’t you miss rubbing my foot back into the shape of a foot?
-I guess this is goodbye. Obviously, I’m gonna need the tote bag.
-Sure is, wanna go kiss in the prop cage?
-I’m werewolfing myself.
-You know when a dude knows he’s gonna turn into a werewolf and locks himself in a jail? Well, I’m embarrassed to say I’ve missed the birth of both of my sonsâ€¦for very legitimate reasons.
-So I promised Angie I will not miss the birth of our daughter.
-And my mood ring! And I don’t know how I feel about that.
-And good for you, Liz Lemon. There’s something about you lately. Make me want to put my feet in your mouth.
-I can’t leave my dressing room until Angie goes in to labor, but the president is saying we have to go outside.
-If I was a real werewolf, I’d wear baggy clothes so my nice clothes wouldn’t get all torn up. Same rules for if I were the Hulk. I don’t get why people like brunch. What’s the benefit of combining breakdancing and lunch?
-You’re not Griz! Ahh!
-I just gotta get to the hospital on Right There. Taxi! Sir, I don’t have any money, but I need to get to Mount Sinai Hospital.
-Wow, it’s like I always say, ‘White cab drivers are weird.’.
-Explain the rules.
-So to be there for the birth of my daughter I have to answer trivia questions despite having gone to middle school in an Exxon station?
-Come on, I don’t know that.
-OK, I remember going to the Statue of Liberty Centennial cuz that year someone had spread a rumor that she was going to slip out of her toga and I wanted to see some green boobies. And that year the Mets had just won the World Series cuz that night I was randomly attacked by a Mets fan that I had thrown a pile doo at. That was 1986. And centennial is a hundred years because centipeding means having sex with a hundred women. I got it. 1886.
-She is an orca, Benjamin. FYI, they’re very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.
-I’m coming, Angie!
-The Lazy Susan was invented by Thomas Jefferson. I know because I’m a descendent of Thomas Jefferson and Lazy Susan herself. The capital of the United Arab Emirates is Abu Dhabi. I know that because if I go back there, I’ll be executed. There are twelve tons in the chromatic scale. [Singing] I know that because I’m a musical genius.
-Tracy Jordan. Hero. Husband. Diabetic slash alcoholic. Yes!
-Am I pulling it right?
-It’s still not opening.
-I’m trying to pull, you keep saying push.
-What you want me to do? You’re yelling at me.
-I’m freaking out!
-Because I love you, baby, and I’ll always be by your side no matter what Discovery Channel game show stands in my way. I wouldn’t have missed whatever just happened here for anything. I don’t know what I’d do without you. And I mean it.
-Why is that baby covered with goop?
-You ready for this, Jacky D?
-Jacky D, you want to make God laugh? Make a plan, or read him a Dave Barry book. You worried about being old, Jack? You could live forever, but you still can’t predict what happens in life. Wait a minute, there’s no baby in here.
-Oh, she’s in the crib. Good.
-I hate to say I told you so, so, ‘Welcome to Miami’.
Continue reading “Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 5”
Tracy Morgan was on Conan last night and he likes bikes. “If I didn’t do show business, I’d be a messenger.” He’s also looking for love. Tonight.
On people walking out of Carnegie Hall: “I just think that some people came to see Tracy Jordan. And they got Tracy Morgan.”
My favorite part about this video is that before Tracy said Sarah Palin was good masturbation material, he was very clearly going to say, “Both of them at the same time.” Everything Tracy Jordan Said indeed.
In TNT’s apology, they interestingly criticized Tracy, but not the hosts who set him up.
Via The Daily What
folkinz made a list of folks he thinks have a real shot at earning EGOT status. I’m not sure anyone belongs on this list if they have only won one of the four (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony). Obviously Bette Midler and Lily Tomlin are the favorites having won 3 of the 4 needed, but also because it’s not impossible to imagine them winning Oscars (you know, in the way that it’s impossible to imagine Gwyneth Platrow winning a Grammy)
# cher (E, G, O)
# jamie foxx (G, O)
# catherine zeta-jones (O,T)
# jennifer hudson (G, O)
# lily tomlin (E, G, T)
# gwyneth paltrow (O)
# kevin spacey (O)
# nicole kidman (O)
# renee zellweger (O)
# scarlett johansson (T)
# anne hathaway (E)
# joaquin phoenix (G)
# reese witherspoon (O)
# hugh jackman (E, T)
# justin timberlake (E, G) oscar may be a stretch i know.
# meryl streep (E, O)
# bette midler (E, G, T)
Incidentally, there have been 12 EGOT winners (or 10 if you’re a stickler).
“Look at your fine self, you look like you should be married to the San Diego Padres.”
These are submitted without context, which some people seem to like and others, not so much. There’s a big internet out there, though, so if you don’t like it, I’m sure there’s something else for you.
-Pop. What? I’m not apologizing, ‘cuz for once in my life I haven’t done anything wrong. How many years have you known me, Liz Lemon?
-So you know I like to minister to transvestite prostitutes.
-So Labor Day weekend I see this young she-dude at the dumpster by the 40/40. I pull over and I say you don’t have to live your life like this. You can be a freaky-deaky and do data entry. What about court reporting? Believe in yourself.
-So as I reach in the trash and pull this dude out, a paparazzo jumps out and takes a picture of me.
-Whose gonna do my banking? Whose gonna write my blogs? Whose gonna do the cooking on Taco Wednesdays?
-So he’s like my office wife?
-Kenneth Parcell, would you take this ringâ€¦and sell it in the Jewish part of midtown and use the money to get us a Nintendo Wii?
-I couldn’t sleep at all last night. Angie kept my Sharper Image white noise aroma therapy machine. She knows I can’t sleep without the sound of ocean and the smell of bacon.
-I’m not doing any of that.
-Great compromise, office wife.
-Liz Lemon, I need you to go my and pretend you’re doing a survey for the Radford Group and then ask my wife if she’s sleeping with DL Hugley.
-What’s up? Liz Lemon, me and this dude used to do stand up together. Remember the night we had the threeway with Elaine Boosler, haha?
-Oh yeah, you know what? I think that was a mirror.
-JS, this is my Kenneth.
-Mad at you, Ken, I seen the way you was looking at Seinfeld. You used to look at me like that. What, am I not a big enough star for you anymore?
-Oh no! Did a Korean person die?
-Don’t do it, Liz Lemon. I know what me and Kenneth have looks perfect on the outside, but it’s work, damn it. It’s work.
-Yo, Ken. Angie and Griz is coming by to drop some of my stuff off.
-Yeah, but I want her to know that I’m having a good time on my own, so you should go get us some party hats. The pointy kind.
-No, cuz things have been said that cannot be taken back. She called my vanity license plate inscrutable! ICU81MI. Hilarious! Angie is in the past like Dracula and broadcast television.
-What, who?! That guy Mike that redid our driveway?… Nah, whatever. She should find someone new. Doesn’t bother me!
-Oh.. Check this out. My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mm. Look at this, my gold record from that novelty party song. ‘Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.’
-Yeah, I miss you, Griz.
-I only got 11-12 hour sleep last night. I got something on my mind grapes I need to talk to you about.
-I saw you hitting on Angie the other day. Seeing you with her. It opened my eyes.
-Yeah. All those years fooling around wasn’t fair to her. So you gotta make it fair! I want you to go to my house and make love to my wife, Ken.
-My home address is in the GPS under ‘Da Crib ‘cuz we live on Dacrib Avenue. Now you go to Angieâ€¦And you make sure you pleasure her.
-What have I done? Kenneth should be back by now. What’s going on over at my house? Ugh. No. No. Eww. I gotta stop this.
-I’m gonna kill you, Kenneth the page.
-It was a gesture, Angie. I’m saying I’m sorry.
-What do you want? I’m willing to try anything.
-Alright. If that’s what it takes. If that’s what it takes.
Continue reading “Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 2”