Tom Haverford told us all about some of his investments tonight. They were, “the best investment ideas I’ve ever head in my life.”

Make-A-Baby Tuxedo clothing line.
A department store with a guest list.
White fur ear muffs for men.
Contact lenses that display text messages.
Invent a phone that smells good.
Own a nightclub, call it Eclipse, that’s only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge? Five THOUSAND dollars.

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Update: Some people I’m married to think that the first idea is to “make a baby tuxedo clothing line” not make a clothing line called “Make-A-Baby”. This is valid criticism, but they’re both funny.