Jersey Shore Nickname Generator

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Like a lot of America, I spent Thursday night spellbound by MTV’s newest reality series Jersey Shore. For those of you not caught up, imagine if MTV staged “Real World” on the Jersey Shore with 8 characters, with names like “The Situation” and “Jwoww”, who combine steroids, fake tans, and hair gel to make some of the trashiest television I’ve ever seen. This is an epic level of douchery that may not be matched in pop culture ever. Ever is a long time and I wanted to add to the douchery, so I badgered Chris into helping me cobble together the Jersey Shore Nickname Generator below. Enjoy! You may also enjoy the Tiger Woods Mistress Generator.
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Name:

Male
Female

Fist Pump

If you think of any nicknames that should be in here, leave them in the comments or email them to me. Thanks again, to Chris McCoy for helping with this. If you like what you see on Unlikely Words, Subscribe by RSS, or subscribe by email or on Facebook.
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Update: Oops, should have been better with the Google. Here’s a Jersey Shore nickname generator that’s a little more offensive than mine. They did have it up firsties, though.

Jersey Shore Nickname Generator

Everything Don Draper Said Season 3

Mad Men Season 3
Here’s Season 3 of Everything Don Draper Said (and Season 1 and Season 2 (PLUS Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1, 2, and 3)). There were a few episodes this season where Don’s story wasn’t necessarily the focal point, or he didn’t have too many knockout scenes, and yet, as you scroll through, you’ll still find some magic. He had about 500 more words than last season, but much less than the 10K words in Season 1. As always, what follows is a transcription of everything Don Draper said this season on Mad Men. There’s no context, but if you’re a fan of the show, you’ll lose your morning looking at this. Enjoy!

Episode 1
“Come on, drink this.”
“You’re so sure it’s a girl?”
“I could have done that.”
“At least you don’t look tired.”
“Close your eyes.”
“You’re on a warm sandy beach.”
“You’re on a warm sandy beach. You can smell the faint scent of coconut oil. And as you slide your hands though that cold patch of sand underneath the shadow of your deck chair.”
“Bert’s on it’s way. Where’s Roger?”
“Well, it’s a sales call, isn’t there more I can do here?”
“Really? I have one.”
“Come on in, Bert.”
“This isn’t easy.”
“Is that the last of it? Because I don’t like how much I’m getting used to these.”
“Can you believe this? What is the world coming to?”
“That’s not a bottle, it’s his date.”
“‘I’m sorry honey, but I’m taken. I just pawned my typewriter so we can be together all weekend.'”
“Excuse me?”
“Uh, Bill. Call me Bill. And, uh, this is my associate, Mr. Fleischman.”
“Well, we have to check in and we have an early meeting.”
“The Belvedere.”
“Hoffstadt. My brother in law. He borrowed a suitcase to go to Puerto Rico, but he never tires of putting his name on other people’s things.”
“Really?”
“Uh, no, it’s OK. I don’t usually tell people I’m an accountant.”
“Of course you do know there are other kinds of accountants.”
“Tell them what we do.”
“Well, I’ll have to swear you all to secrecy.”
“You’re right.”
“You ever heard of James Hoffa.”
“There is a lot of money missing.”
“No, we’re accountants.”
“I don’t know, I keep going to a lot of places and keep ending up somewhere I’ve already been.”
“Sam.”
“Well, this is me.”
“I don’t know.”
“I’ve been married a long time. You get plenty of chances. It’s my birthday.”
“It really is.”
“That’s not gonna help.”
“Stand up.”
“Go on.”
“Not yet.”
“Come on, let’s go. Come on, forget your shoes. Let’s go. Come on!”
“Come on.”
“I’m just here to show you the continuity of our service. With our without Bert Peterson, you are on our mind.”
“Morris, you remember Salvatore Romano.”
“Sal, this is Howard.”
“Well, is it about our work? I mean, we don’t want to take credit for everything, but 2 of every 3 raincoats sold last year had London Fog stitched on the inside pocket.”
“London Fog is a 40 year old brand that sounds like it’s existed forever. You’ve established with our help that it means one thing. Rain coats. New products aside, there will be fat years and there will be lean years, but it is going to rain.”
“What time is it?”
“We should be back in the office by 3.”
“I’m gonna ask you something and I want you to be completely honest with me. London Fog. It’s a subway car, and there’s a commuter looking up. There’s a girl with her back to us. She’s wearing one of those short tan ones, but it’s open. Her legs are bare. We know what he’s seeing. Limit your exposure.”
“Good.”
“Help yourself. So, Cosgrove vs Campbell. Is Cooper playing God or Darwin?”
“Lane read about it in some management book?”
“Come in.”
“What?”
“Our stories are straight.”
“Find how much it is to repair and it will come out of your allowance.”
“Then don’t break things.”
“Come here.”
“I will always come home. You’ll always be my girl.”
“I don’t sleep well when I’m not here.”
“Yes.”
“Well, it was the middle of the night and it was raining very hard and I had just come home from work.”
Continue reading “Everything Don Draper Said Season 3”

Everything Don Draper Said Season 3

Everything Don Draper Said Season 2

Mad Men Season 2
As mentioned last week, Everything Don Draper Said (Season 1) follows up on Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1, 2, and 3. This season is only around 7500 words (as opposed to Season 1’s 10K words), but you’re still gonna lose a morning if you try to read it all at once. Stay tuned, more coming soon from your favorite television characters. In any case, this fall is going to feature some fun Everything They Said projects… Without further adieu.

Episode 1
“Yeah, I eat a lot of apples.”
“What’s the number?”
“Dead, both.”
“My dad was 41, 42, he died in an accident. My mother died in childbirth. She was 22, I think.”
“Everything? Depends on the day.”
“3.”
“5.”
“Yes.”
“What do you mean?”
“How do you feel?”
“Nope, no, I’ve been good.”
“How is it?”
“Makes you feel better about sitting in a bar at lunch. Makes you feel like you’re getting something done.”
“Is it good?”
“Any calls?”
“Of course.”
“What do we have?”
“I can almost picture it.”
“So it’s about an airline that’s flown by Indians. Maybe a plane with some arrows stuck in the cargo door? That’s funny. That’s what gets people attention now, right? There has to be advertising for people who don’t have a sense of humor.”
“What else you got?”
“Stop writing for other writers.”
“What’s outside that window?”
“I get on a plane, I don’t care where I’m going, I just want to see the city disappearing behind me.”
“That Indian, that’s not about the majestic beauty of the Mohawk nation. It’s about adventure. Could be a pirate. Could be a knight in shining armor. Could be a conquistador getting off a boat. It’s about a fantastical people who are taking you someplace you’ve never been. Blah, blah, blah, blah.”
“You want to get on a plane to feel alive. You want to get on a place to see just the hint of a woman’s thigh because her skirt is just this much too short.”
“So I guess I’m helping both of us.”
“For what purpose?”
“Well, young campaigns don’t necessarily come from young people.”
“So what am I supposed to do, dangle a Pepsi out the window and see if I can hook a stroller?”
“This sounds like accounts to me.”
“You want younger people than that?”
“Tell Duck, clients don’t understand. Their success is related to standing out, not fitting in. It’s a fad. Paint them a picture, uh, something like one wants to be the needle in the haystack, not a haystack.”
“You’re talking as if they’re some fresh version of us. They’re not. Young people don’t know anything, especially that they’re young.”
“I know.”
“Don’t worry, we will be out of here before the singer starts.”
“I don’t think we have, Bets, Don Draper.”
“Pleasure.”
“I do.”
“I don’t think it’s permanent.”
“She’s a party girl, Bets.”
“Really.”
“How stupid do you think I am?”
“How does room service sound?”
“Wow.”
“Hold on.”
“Hello, yes, this is Mr. Draper in room 804. Yes, can you send up some vishiswas and a BLT on white toast…”
“Scratch that, 2 shrimp cocktails.”
“So, I have a lot of thoughts. How old are you?”
“Right, you’re experienced, I got it. Are you married?”
“So, again, you both did everything together and yet you get paid more?”
“But, you contribute words?”
“I’m gonna ask you a question that was always asked of me when I was on job interviews.”
“Have you ever been fired?”
“Book’s good. By the way it has Julian Koenig’s fingerprints all over it.”
“Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Smith.”
“That must happen all the time. You two share an office?”
“Of course not.”
“Good. So now that I’ve given you your babies and Xerox machine, should I throw in a couple of elephants? I don’t want there to be any excuses when you can’t bring in Martinson’s Coffee.”
“Send them in.”
“Where are we?”
“Are you gonna underline the ‘you’? For half the people it will be ‘where are you going’?”
“Where the hell is Dale?”
“I don’t know, sure, it’s fine. It’s obvious, I’m uninvolved.”
“What about that?”
“No, she’s right. Just because it has sentiment doesn’t make it sentimental. We’re talking about businessmen.”
“Says who? Just so you know, the people who talk that way think that monkeys can do this. And they take all this monkey crap and just stick it in a briefcase completely aware that their success depends on something more than their shoeshine. You are the product. You feeling something. That’s what sells. Not them. Not sex. They can’t do what we do. And they hate us for it.”
“Is that a question?”
“You can put that in your book.”
“Take your hat off.”
“Hey, Carla. Hey, BD.”
“I am tired. Where’s Mrs. Draper.”
“Want a ride to the station?”
“Goodnight.”
“Here, give it to me.”
“I’m here, too.”
“Hi. Bobby conked out, where were you?”
“Well, I was here.”
“I did.”
“Come on, show me what you learned in ballet.”
“”Now I am quietly waiting for the catastrophe of my personality to seem beautiful again. And interesting and modern. The country is gray and brown and white and trees. Snows and skies of laughter always diminishing. Less funny, not just darker, not just gray. It may be the coldest day of the year, what does he think of that? I mean, what do I? And if I do, perhaps I am myself again.””
Continue reading “Everything Don Draper Said Season 2”

Everything Don Draper Said Season 2

Everything Don Draper Said Season 1

Following up on Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1, 2, and 3, I figured I’d celebrate one of my other favorite shows by giving you Everything Don Draper Said Season 1 (Season 2 coming next week).

It’sDon Draper over 10K words of Dreamy Don’s dialogue, and unfortunately there’s a more conversational lines than with Tracy Jordan. I was thinking about going through this and bolding the lines worth reading, but that turns this into more of a subjective exercise than I’m interested in. I hope you’ll call out your favorites in the comments, though, if you ever get to the end. I suggest you bookmark and come back, or print out and read on the commute. True Mad Men fans have just lost a morning of work. Enjoy!

Episode 1
“Yeah, hey, do you have a light? Old Gold man, huh?”
“Can I ask you a question? Why do you smoke Old Gold?”
“No, we’re actually just having a conversation, is that OK? Yeah. Do this again. Old Fashioned, please.”
“So you obviously need to relax after working here all night?”
“But what is it? I mean, low tar? Those new filters? Why don’t… why Old Gold?”
“So you’re used to them, is that it?”
“I could never get you to try another brand, say, my Luckies.”
“Alright, well, let’s just say, tomorrow, a tobacco weevil comes and eats, every last Old Gold on the planet.”
“It’s a tragedy, would you just stop smoking.”
“I love smoking, that’s very good.”
“Yeah, I heard about that.”
“Yes they do.”
“Am I interrupting anything?”
“How’s it going?”
“Can I run a few ideas past you?”
“I’m having a situation with my cigarette account.”
“Trade commission is cracking down on all of our health cares.”
“Well, that’s just it. The whole safer cigarette thing is over. No more doctors. No more testimonials. No more cough free, soothes your T zone, low tar, low nicotine, filter tip, nothing. All I have is a crush proof box and 4 out of 5 dead people smoked your brand.”
“I don’t want to go to school tomorrow.”
“Midge, I’m serious. I have nothing. I am over and they’re finally going to know it. Next time you see me they’ll be a bunch of young executives picking meat off my ribs.”
“What’s your secret?”
“We should get married.”
“I’m serious, you have your own business, you don’t mind when I come over.”
“What size Cadillac do you take?”
“Sterling’s having the tobacco people in in 9 hours and I have nothing.”
“You know there’s this kid who comes by my office everyday, looks where he’s going to put his plants.”
“It’s been on my mind.”
“You worried?”
“So, you, uh, came here cause you wanted to watch me get dressed?”
“In body, give me about a half hour for the rest of it.”
“Not on my watch.”
“We’ve got an Italian, Salvatore, my art director.”
“Sorry. Most of the Jewish guys work for the Jewish firms.”
“That’s very good.”
“You want me to run down to the deli, grab somebody?”
“Summer’s coming.”
“If I know these guys, you’re better off with a little sex appeal. Can you give me a woman in a bathing suit, put her next to your guy?”
“Give you a chance to get a real model.”
“Ah, I’m not really big on those things.”
“So. That’s it, huh? Relax?”
“Send her in.”
“I’m doing my own research.”
“The medical thing is dead, we understand that.”
“So basically, if you love danger, you’ll love smoking.”
“Freud, you say, what agency is he with?”
“Let me tell you something, Ms. Guttman.”
“Dr. Guttman. Psychology might be great at cocktail parties, but it so happens people were buying cigarettes before Freud was born. The issue isn’t why should people smoke, it’s why should people smoke Lucky Strike. Suggesting that our customers have a… what did you call it, a death wish? I just don’t see that on a billboard.”
“Just give me the damn report.”
“Oh, I’m sure I will. You’re the one who found all of our medical testimonials in the first place.”
“Has anyone else seen this?”
“Good. I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I’m sorry, I just find your whole approach perverse.”
“Sal, I’ll take that drink now.”
“He doesn’t know I’m sleeping in here, does he?”
“Who are you?”
“Would you , uh, you go out there and entertain him?”
“I see your point.”
“Send him in.”
“You are tough to take first thing in the morning, Pete.”
“Uh, she’s the new girl.”
“That’ll be all.”
“Oh, and sorry about Mr. Campbell here, he left his manners back at the fraternity house.”
“The future Mrs. Pete Campbell is a very lucky woman, when is the wedding again?”
“He sure did.”
“How old are you, Pete?”
“I bet the whole world looks like one great big brassier snap just waiting to be snapped, huh?”
“Campbell, we’re both men here, so I’m going to be direct.”
“Advertising is a very small world and when you do something like malign the reputation of a girl in the steno pool on her first day, you make it even smaller. Keep it up, and even if you do get my job, you’ll never run this place. You’ll die in that corner office, a mid-level executive with a little bit of hair who women go home with out of pity. Want to know why? Cause no one will like you.”
“Well, at least the building. Pleasure to meet you.”
“Oh, uh, I’m sorry. I was expecting.”
“And you are?”
“Of course, David, one of the rising stars at Sterling Cooper.”
“Very subtle, isn’t that your shirt?”
“Then, a 10% off coupon in select ladies magazines will increase your first time customers. Once we get them into the store, the rest is kind of up to you.”
“Ms. Mencken, coupons work. I think your father would agree with this strategy.”
“What kind of people do you want?”
“We obviously have very different ideas.”
“Ms, you are way out of line.”
“Talk out what, the silly idea that people are going to come to some store they’ve never been to because it’s more expensive?”
“Mencken’s is not Channel.”
“This is ridiculous, I’m not going to let a woman talk to me like this, this meeting is over. Good luck, Ms. Mencken.”
“Well, Roger’s not going to be happy, so I guess that’s good for you.”
“Look, I’m sorry I was so hard on you before, it’s just this damn tobacco thing.”
“Let’s take it a little slower, I don’t want to wake up pregnant.”
“Well, uh, I have been thinking quite a bit about this. And, uh. I mean you know I’m a Lucky Strike man from way back, so..”
“Gentleman, before you leave, can I just say something?”
“The Federal Trade Commission and Readers’ Digest have done you a favor. They’ve let you know that any ad that brings up the concept of cigarettes and health together, well, it’s just gonna make people think of cancer.”
“But what Lee Jr said is right. If you can’t make those health claims, neither can your competitors.”
“Not exactly, this is the greatest advertising opportunity since the invention of cereal. We have 6 identical companies making 6 identical products. We can say anything we want. How do you make your cigarettes?”
“There you go. There you go.”
“No, everybody else’s tobacco is poisonous. Lucky Strike’s is toasted.”
“Advertising is based on 1 thing: happiness. And you know what happiness is? It’s the smell of a new car, it’s freedom from fear. It’s a billboard, on the side of the road, that screams with reassurance that whatever you’re doing is OK. You are OK.”
“For the record, I pulled it out of thin air, so thank you up there.”
“I don’t know, uh, bunting and babies, that’s hard work. I’d make a hash of it.”
“Could you be a little more specific, honey?”
“Thank you, boys, I appreciate it.”
“I love to come through.”
“Haven’t you had enough of my magic for one day?”
“You’re a whore.”
“Peggy, would you get us a little more ice?”
“Just a minute. Fellas, I think this party is gonna have to move elsewhere.”
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe next time.”
“If Greta’s research was any good, I would have used it.”
“I’m saying, I had a report just like that, and it’s not like there’s some magic machine that makes identical copies of things.”
“Have a great night, Pete, congratulations.”
“Fear stimulates my imagination.”
“First of all, Peggy, I’m your boss, not your boyfriend. Second of all, you ever let Pete Campbell go through my trash again and you won’t be able to find a job selling sandwiches in Penn Station.”
“Of course not. Go home, put your curlers in, we’ll get a fresh start tomorrow. Oh, and Peggy, I need you to place a call.”
“That is quite a drink.”
“I shouldn’t have lost my temper and I certainly shouldn’t have treated you like anything less than a client.”
“So you understand?”
“Well, I’m not really as bad as all that. I was under a lot of pressure. Another account. It doesn’t really matter.”
“So, without making things worse, can I ask you a personal question?”
“Why aren’t you married?”
“Well, it’s just that you’re a beautiful, educated woman, don’t you think that getting married and having a family would make you happier than all the headaches that go along with fighting people like me?”
“So that’s it, you won’t get married because you find business to be a thrill.”
“She won’t get married because she’s never been in love. I think I wrote that and used it to sell nylons.”
“Oh you mean love, you mean big lightning bolt through the heart where you can’t eat and you can’t work and you just run of and get married and make babies. The reason you haven’t felt it is because it doesn’t exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons.”
“Pretty sure about it. You’re born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts, but I never forget. I’m living like there’s no tomorrow because there isn’t one.”
“Excuse me?”
“Don.”
“I don’t know if that’s true. You want another drink?”
“So I guess we’ll be seeing each other again.”
“I’d like that.”
“I didn’t want to bother you.”
“I’m not.”
“I’ll be right back, don’t move.”
Continue reading “Everything Don Draper Said Season 1”

Everything Don Draper Said Season 1

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 2

Last week was Season 1 and a couple months ago was Season 3. And now, I give you, Everything Tracy Jordan Said in season 2 of 30 Rock.

These are submitted without context, which some people seem to like and others, not so much. There’s a big internet out there, though, so if you don’t like it, I’m sure there’s something else for you.

Episode 1
-Yo, Ken, I’m’a use this whole the kitchen area as my bathroom, spread the word.
Wearwolf Bar Mitzvah
-She froze my credit cards, Liz Lemon, and she got custody of Griz. Can I keep my cockatiel in your office?

-Pop. What? I’m not apologizing, ‘cuz for once in my life I haven’t done anything wrong. How many years have you known me, Liz Lemon?

-So you know I like to minister to transvestite prostitutes.

-So Labor Day weekend I see this young she-dude at the dumpster by the 40/40. I pull over and I say you don’t have to live your life like this. You can be a freaky-deaky and do data entry. What about court reporting? Believe in yourself.

-So as I reach in the trash and pull this dude out, a paparazzo jumps out and takes a picture of me.

-Whose gonna do my banking? Whose gonna write my blogs? Whose gonna do the cooking on Taco Wednesdays?

-So he’s like my office wife?

-Kenneth Parcell, would you take this ring…and sell it in the Jewish part of midtown and use the money to get us a Nintendo Wii?

-I couldn’t sleep at all last night. Angie kept my Sharper Image white noise aroma therapy machine. She knows I can’t sleep without the sound of ocean and the smell of bacon.

-I’m not doing any of that.

-Great compromise, office wife.

-Liz Lemon, I need you to go my and pretend you’re doing a survey for the Radford Group and then ask my wife if she’s sleeping with DL Hugley.

-JS!

-What’s up? Liz Lemon, me and this dude used to do stand up together. Remember the night we had the threeway with Elaine Boosler, haha?

-Oh yeah, you know what? I think that was a mirror.

-JS, this is my Kenneth.

-Mad at you, Ken, I seen the way you was looking at Seinfeld. You used to look at me like that. What, am I not a big enough star for you anymore?

-Oh no! Did a Korean person die?

-Don’t do it, Liz Lemon. I know what me and Kenneth have looks perfect on the outside, but it’s work, damn it. It’s work.

Episode 2
-Yo, Ken. Angie and Griz is coming by to drop some of my stuff off.

-Yeah, but I want her to know that I’m having a good time on my own, so you should go get us some party hats. The pointy kind.

-No, cuz things have been said that cannot be taken back. She called my vanity license plate inscrutable! ICU81MI. Hilarious! Angie is in the past like Dracula and broadcast television.

-What, who?! That guy Mike that redid our driveway?… Nah, whatever. She should find someone new. Doesn’t bother me!

-Oh.. Check this out. My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mm. Look at this, my gold record from that novelty party song. ‘Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.’

-Yeah, I miss you, Griz.

-Hey, Ken!

-I only got 11-12 hour sleep last night. I got something on my mind grapes I need to talk to you about.

-I saw you hitting on Angie the other day. Seeing you with her. It opened my eyes.

-Yeah. All those years fooling around wasn’t fair to her. So you gotta make it fair! I want you to go to my house and make love to my wife, Ken.

-My home address is in the GPS under ‘Da Crib ‘cuz we live on Dacrib Avenue. Now you go to Angie…And you make sure you pleasure her.

-What have I done? Kenneth should be back by now. What’s going on over at my house? Ugh. No. No. Eww. I gotta stop this.

-I’m gonna kill you, Kenneth the page.

-It was a gesture, Angie. I’m saying I’m sorry.

-But, baby.

-What do you want? I’m willing to try anything.

-Alright. If that’s what it takes. If that’s what it takes.
Continue reading “Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 2”

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 2

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 1

A couple months ago, I posted Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 3 of 30 Rock. I said if you guys wanted it, I’d go back and do Season 1 and Season 2. Well, you wanted it, so here’s Season 1 and I’ll post Season 2 next week.

As I said before, it’s the combination of delivery and content that gets me and again, these lines were transcribed completely without context. A lot of times context makes them funnier and a lot of times lack of context does. Leave your favorite lines in the comments, enjoy!

Episode 1
-I am a Jedi. I am a Jedi. I am a Jedi.NUP_112581_0087

-I’ll have an apple juice.

-Then I’ll take a vodka and tonic.

-I know who you are.

-Let me ask you a question, everyone at this table. Did he just say the word ‘pumpkin’ to me?

-Yo! I’m bugging. I can’t do this. I cannot eat here. I can’t eat here. I got to go to someplace where they make food that I like. Lemon, let’s go.

-Ohh. Ohhh. Goodness gracious, you hooligans better watch out, cuz this honky grandma be tripping.

-Where’s the love? Right on and let me get 2 half a chickens and some pecan waffles.

-Eat, Lemon, eat! I hate skinny women. Hey, Alana, 10 beers.

-Nah, I ain’t doing it unless I get to do it my way. You know I want it to be raw. HBO style content.

-Cuz I want to drop truth bombs! You know how pissed off I was when US Weekly said that I was on crack? That’s racist. I’m not on crack. I’m straight up mentally ill.

-You know I got mental health issues.

-Yeah, yeah, I like risky. See, me and you? We play the game. We know how to be acceptable. Hello, great meeting. I drink coffee, please. This show is our chance to break the shackles, cuz the white dudes want to see us fail.

-All of them. Jack Donaghy, General Electric, George Bush, Karl Robe.

-Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other. To distract us while white dudes inject aids into our chicken nuggets. That’s a metaphor.

-Hey, Lemon, you like karaoke? I know a joint.

-I’ll take you, I’ll take you! I just gotta make a quick stop first.

-You know why I should do this TV show, Lemon?

-To get you rich! Cuz you know if I’m on that TV show it’s going to blow up.

-Your teeth. You got to think like these strippers, Lemon. They know the window of opportunity is only open for a moment. You gotta get in while you’re young, get the money, and get out.

-Neither do they! Yes, they do.

-Ohhhhlalalala. We’re strong! No one can tell us we’re wrong. Searching our heart for so long.

-Hell no!

-From Chicago? I was in Scottie Pippen’s wedding.

-He fired Pete? He can’t fire Pete.

-Mm?

-Mmhmm. Yeah, suck it, Pete.

-Hey, Lemon, I’ll drop you off. Where do you live?

-I wanna see that.

-Oh. Oh. Pull over. Pull over here.

-Right here.

-This is where I grew up.

-Wasn’t no Jordan family nothing. This is where I was in foster care.

-Me and two other dudes and a girl with messed up fingers.

-I’m so lucky I got out of here.

-About what?

-Alright.

-Excuse me, where’s the manager? I’m from the government and I’m here to inspect your chicken nuggets.

-Uh, oh. Look at shorty. This honky grandma be tripping!

-Wassup, America? I’m coming into your house live! Let me hear you say we love you, Tracy!

-I am the third heat!

-Ahhh, yeah. Holla at your boy.

-I can’t wait to do this with you every week. Haha!

Season 2
-How you feel, NBC tour? Cuz you look good like a solid gold candy bar!

-Give up the butt, ladies. Give up the butt!

-Jack! Haha! Oh my goodness. It’s good to see you again, brother. It’s good to see you again.

-Come on, Jack, now you know I’m the kid. I’m easy like Sunday morning. Don’t look at me. Do not look at me in the eyes.

-Hey, Pete? You smoke weed, right, Pete? Me neither. Me and you, Pete. Me and you, heeheehee.

-Don’t just sit there, come over here and give me some sugar.

-Well, if you ever want to piss your parents off, you come see me.

-Let me just say, I’m excited to be here. It’s an honor for you to meet me. I got a lotta characters I’m ready to bust out. I got a character named Biscuit, write that up. Got another character named Renaldo who’s a 2 foot tall Spanish hustler. Glasses, I want you to write that one. Got another character named Ching Chong who loves to play ping pong. I just made that up right now, cuz that’s how I flow. Now I’m up for anything.

-No. I don’t like that.

-So I said, ‘Rick, this chick’s got an Adam’s apple. And, Rick said to me, I’ll never forget this, ‘Freakydeekys need love, too. Freakydeekys need love, too.’

-So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable?

-Nuh uh. Superman does good. You’re doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.

-Lemon. Lemon. Can I be real with you? I haven’t a real job in like, 2 years. I’m not used to all these, all these cue cards and all of that.

-You’re right, I got this. Thanks for looking for me, Lemon. I’ma crush it. Let’s show these people how a movie star does it.

-Hi, I’m Tracy Jordan and I’m bringing the black back to NBC. I’m proud as a peacork, baby.

-What’d I say?

-Peacock, think peacock. Right, Jenna?

-Hi, I’m Tracy Jordan and I’m bringing the black back to NBC. I’m proud as a peaCOCK, baby.

-Hi, I’m Tracy Jordan and I’m bringing the black back to NBC. Right, Jenna Malbany?

-Hi, I’m Tracy Jordan and I’m bringing the black back to NBC. I’m proud as a peacock. Right, my bologna?

-Hi, I’m Tracy Jordan. I’m black, NBC. Very proud. Like peacocks. Right, Janet? I think we got it. I think we got it.

-Please, you can’t hurt me. I did stand up on Rome, the crowd once threw a motorcycle at me.

-Which on is Toofer?

-Oh.

-Let’s crash my car to see if the airbags go off.

-Mostly mad at you.

-Nah, nah, nah, nah. This is what we gonna do, Lemon. You gonna get everyone on my yacht. Harbor cruise, drinks, togetherness.

-I got a yacht, a solid gold jet ski, 2 Batmobiles, the AIDS monkey’s bones..

-Welcome. Welcome to your fantasy.

-Oh, yeah. I’ve taken this boat many places. Miami, Tokyo, Denver.

-What?

-Oh, that’s Spanish for remember your mother.

-My bologna? Look at you. Wow.

-Let me make you a drink. You love apple martinis, right?

-I read your interview in Amtrak magazine.

-Mmmhmm.

-I didn’t know that. Hey Toofer, see if I got any Schnapps.

-It’s for you. Take it, my friend.

-I hear you sing. I didn’t know that. Why don’t you sing something for me.

-I do.

-Hey, hey, Griz, don’t wreck this boat!

-Don’t worry. He was in the Navy.

-I’m Bill Cosby, Jello sweaters.

-You don’t have to thank me, Lemmon, we’re a team now. Like Batman and Robin. Like chicken and chicken container.

-It’s Spanish for ‘remember your mother’. I’ve taken this boat to Denver. You can have that Scotch. Griz was in the Navy.
Continue reading “Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 1”

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 1

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 3

Anytime Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan has a scene on 30 Rock, my brain shuts off and it’s difficult to function. It’s the combination of delivery and content, and there’s hardly ever a scene throughout which, I’m not giggling foolishly. In celebration, I thought I’d post everything he said in 30 Rock Season 3. If you guys like it, I’ll do Season 1 and Season 2, too.

Tracy Morgan Tina FeySome of these lines are made funnier by adding context. For the most part, however, they’re funnier without, so I didn’t include any. Yes, this is basically a transcription of his lines without comment and I could have just copied and pasted out of the scripts. However, they’re not online, so I watched every episode again, just for you. Leave your favorite lines in the comments, enjoy!

Episode 1
“It’s official, I’m a genius. My video game is selling through the riznoof.”

“61 million copies at 60 dollars each.”

“I don’t know, I think I did it alone, and this check is the priznoof.”

“I know what you’re hinting at, Liz Lemon. That I should get my rap career going again. [Whispering] All in due time.”

“Nobles Oblige, yes. Let’s go shopping. To the Bat Mobile!”

“Attention everyone. I’d like to thank everyone involved for making my video game the most profitable thing since the war on terra!”

“Yes, I am provocative!”

“Frank, for all your hard work, please accept this set of solid gold nunchuks.”

“Petey Pete, for letting us use the sound booth, please accept this chinchilla coat.”

“You’re going to get so much nice nice in that, you’re going to have to grow another ding-.”

“Bev, [kissing] mwah. Now you look out for my girl Liz because me and her go way back like spinal chords and car seats.”

“You’re going to sue me? Who do you think you are, the San Diego zoo?”

“You can’t sue me, I’m already being sued. Double indemnity!”

Episode 2
“Do you know who I am? Seriously, please, tell me who I am.”

“Liz Lemon! Nemesis.”

“OK, two can play at that game. Liz, could you please tell Kenneth that Liz wants him?”

“Mediation is a binding form of non-judicial dispute resolution.”

“I watched Boston Legal 9 times before I realized it wasn’t a new Star Trek.”

“What? Please. We are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to black folks. It’s like when Adrian Brody kissed Halle Berry at the Oscars.”

“White people stole jazz, rock and roll, Will Smith, AND heart disease. Now they think they can take my hard earned money.”

“Liz Lemon? That chick is dumb.”

“Do you know it’s still illegal to be black in Arizona.”

“If it weren’t for your people I’d still be in Africa. Gorgeous, politically stable, Africa.”

“Whatever, you couldn’t last one day in my shoes, Maroney, right, Toph?”

“OK, I will.”

“Freaky Friday social experiment.”

“Liz, it’s Becky, your college roommate. See Liz Lemon, you’re already treating me with more respect.”

“You wait til I test this noise out on society. Minds will be blown.”

“You can’t fix this Liz Lemon, it’s about race. It’s about man and woman. It’s about money. It’s about being on TV. And no one understands all that.”

“Hi strangers, do you think I’m sexy. Giggle, giggle, giggle.”

“I’m meeting my girlfriends for brunch, I hope we can sit outside. Lipstick. Heeheehee.”

“Good morning!”

“They ran out of white makeup because I insisted they do my buttocks.”

“Good morning!”

“Jenna and I are doing a social experiment.”

“I haven’t seen Oprah since she did that episode about the worst celebrity dads.”

“Uh, how you doing?”

“It’s the way my world is right now.”

“I’ve been hearing, but I haven’t been listening.”

“Lean on me, when you’re not strong.”
Continue reading “Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 3”

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 3