10 funniest cities in the US

My friend Joel has a book out, The Humor Code: A Global Search for What Makes Things Funny. To help promote the book, Joel, and his co-writer Peter McGraw, created an algorithm to determine the 50 funniest cities in the US. We’re number 2! We’re number 2!

1. Chicago The capital of improvisation and a mecca of stand-up comedy.
2. Boston It has a split comedy personality: dry high-brow and rowdy low-brow.
3. Atlanta Many jokes on race: “What do you call a black pilot? A pilot, you racist.”
4. Washington Politics and politicians provide plenty of fodder for cynical jokesters.
5. Portland, Ore. Known for its celebration of oddballs and weirdness.
6. New York City How to cope with the stress of life here? Humor, about anything.
7. Los Angeles It’s teeming with aspiring entertainers who like to riff on shallow locals.
8. Denver Home to a more relaxed humor, often about (and mellowed by) pot.
9. San Francisco Likes jokes about its wacky characters, liberals and, lately, tech nerds.
10. Seattle Its humor: youthful, tech-savvy and sometimes smug toward outsiders.

His findings were drawn from surveys of residents (on the prevalence of humor in their daily lives) and of comedians, number of visits to comedy websites, tweets, radio stations, comedy clubs per square mile and native-born comedians per capita.

10 funniest cities in the US

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 2

Last week was Season 1 and a couple months ago was Season 3. And now, I give you, Everything Tracy Jordan Said in season 2 of 30 Rock.

These are submitted without context, which some people seem to like and others, not so much. There’s a big internet out there, though, so if you don’t like it, I’m sure there’s something else for you.

Episode 1
-Yo, Ken, I’m’a use this whole the kitchen area as my bathroom, spread the word.
Wearwolf Bar Mitzvah
-She froze my credit cards, Liz Lemon, and she got custody of Griz. Can I keep my cockatiel in your office?

-Pop. What? I’m not apologizing, ‘cuz for once in my life I haven’t done anything wrong. How many years have you known me, Liz Lemon?

-So you know I like to minister to transvestite prostitutes.

-So Labor Day weekend I see this young she-dude at the dumpster by the 40/40. I pull over and I say you don’t have to live your life like this. You can be a freaky-deaky and do data entry. What about court reporting? Believe in yourself.

-So as I reach in the trash and pull this dude out, a paparazzo jumps out and takes a picture of me.

-Whose gonna do my banking? Whose gonna write my blogs? Whose gonna do the cooking on Taco Wednesdays?

-So he’s like my office wife?

-Kenneth Parcell, would you take this ring…and sell it in the Jewish part of midtown and use the money to get us a Nintendo Wii?

-I couldn’t sleep at all last night. Angie kept my Sharper Image white noise aroma therapy machine. She knows I can’t sleep without the sound of ocean and the smell of bacon.

-I’m not doing any of that.

-Great compromise, office wife.

-Liz Lemon, I need you to go my and pretend you’re doing a survey for the Radford Group and then ask my wife if she’s sleeping with DL Hugley.

-JS!

-What’s up? Liz Lemon, me and this dude used to do stand up together. Remember the night we had the threeway with Elaine Boosler, haha?

-Oh yeah, you know what? I think that was a mirror.

-JS, this is my Kenneth.

-Mad at you, Ken, I seen the way you was looking at Seinfeld. You used to look at me like that. What, am I not a big enough star for you anymore?

-Oh no! Did a Korean person die?

-Don’t do it, Liz Lemon. I know what me and Kenneth have looks perfect on the outside, but it’s work, damn it. It’s work.

Episode 2
-Yo, Ken. Angie and Griz is coming by to drop some of my stuff off.

-Yeah, but I want her to know that I’m having a good time on my own, so you should go get us some party hats. The pointy kind.

-No, cuz things have been said that cannot be taken back. She called my vanity license plate inscrutable! ICU81MI. Hilarious! Angie is in the past like Dracula and broadcast television.

-What, who?! That guy Mike that redid our driveway?… Nah, whatever. She should find someone new. Doesn’t bother me!

-Oh.. Check this out. My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mm. Look at this, my gold record from that novelty party song. ‘Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.’

-Yeah, I miss you, Griz.

-Hey, Ken!

-I only got 11-12 hour sleep last night. I got something on my mind grapes I need to talk to you about.

-I saw you hitting on Angie the other day. Seeing you with her. It opened my eyes.

-Yeah. All those years fooling around wasn’t fair to her. So you gotta make it fair! I want you to go to my house and make love to my wife, Ken.

-My home address is in the GPS under ‘Da Crib ‘cuz we live on Dacrib Avenue. Now you go to Angie…And you make sure you pleasure her.

-What have I done? Kenneth should be back by now. What’s going on over at my house? Ugh. No. No. Eww. I gotta stop this.

-I’m gonna kill you, Kenneth the page.

-It was a gesture, Angie. I’m saying I’m sorry.

-But, baby.

-What do you want? I’m willing to try anything.

-Alright. If that’s what it takes. If that’s what it takes.
Continue reading “Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 2”

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 2

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 1

A couple months ago, I posted Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 3 of 30 Rock. I said if you guys wanted it, I’d go back and do Season 1 and Season 2. Well, you wanted it, so here’s Season 1 and I’ll post Season 2 next week.

As I said before, it’s the combination of delivery and content that gets me and again, these lines were transcribed completely without context. A lot of times context makes them funnier and a lot of times lack of context does. Leave your favorite lines in the comments, enjoy!

Episode 1
-I am a Jedi. I am a Jedi. I am a Jedi.NUP_112581_0087

-I’ll have an apple juice.

-Then I’ll take a vodka and tonic.

-I know who you are.

-Let me ask you a question, everyone at this table. Did he just say the word ‘pumpkin’ to me?

-Yo! I’m bugging. I can’t do this. I cannot eat here. I can’t eat here. I got to go to someplace where they make food that I like. Lemon, let’s go.

-Ohh. Ohhh. Goodness gracious, you hooligans better watch out, cuz this honky grandma be tripping.

-Where’s the love? Right on and let me get 2 half a chickens and some pecan waffles.

-Eat, Lemon, eat! I hate skinny women. Hey, Alana, 10 beers.

-Nah, I ain’t doing it unless I get to do it my way. You know I want it to be raw. HBO style content.

-Cuz I want to drop truth bombs! You know how pissed off I was when US Weekly said that I was on crack? That’s racist. I’m not on crack. I’m straight up mentally ill.

-You know I got mental health issues.

-Yeah, yeah, I like risky. See, me and you? We play the game. We know how to be acceptable. Hello, great meeting. I drink coffee, please. This show is our chance to break the shackles, cuz the white dudes want to see us fail.

-All of them. Jack Donaghy, General Electric, George Bush, Karl Robe.

-Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other. To distract us while white dudes inject aids into our chicken nuggets. That’s a metaphor.

-Hey, Lemon, you like karaoke? I know a joint.

-I’ll take you, I’ll take you! I just gotta make a quick stop first.

-You know why I should do this TV show, Lemon?

-To get you rich! Cuz you know if I’m on that TV show it’s going to blow up.

-Your teeth. You got to think like these strippers, Lemon. They know the window of opportunity is only open for a moment. You gotta get in while you’re young, get the money, and get out.

-Neither do they! Yes, they do.

-Ohhhhlalalala. We’re strong! No one can tell us we’re wrong. Searching our heart for so long.

-Hell no!

-From Chicago? I was in Scottie Pippen’s wedding.

-He fired Pete? He can’t fire Pete.

-Mm?

-Mmhmm. Yeah, suck it, Pete.

-Hey, Lemon, I’ll drop you off. Where do you live?

-I wanna see that.

-Oh. Oh. Pull over. Pull over here.

-Right here.

-This is where I grew up.

-Wasn’t no Jordan family nothing. This is where I was in foster care.

-Me and two other dudes and a girl with messed up fingers.

-I’m so lucky I got out of here.

-About what?

-Alright.

-Excuse me, where’s the manager? I’m from the government and I’m here to inspect your chicken nuggets.

-Uh, oh. Look at shorty. This honky grandma be tripping!

-Wassup, America? I’m coming into your house live! Let me hear you say we love you, Tracy!

-I am the third heat!

-Ahhh, yeah. Holla at your boy.

-I can’t wait to do this with you every week. Haha!

Season 2
-How you feel, NBC tour? Cuz you look good like a solid gold candy bar!

-Give up the butt, ladies. Give up the butt!

-Jack! Haha! Oh my goodness. It’s good to see you again, brother. It’s good to see you again.

-Come on, Jack, now you know I’m the kid. I’m easy like Sunday morning. Don’t look at me. Do not look at me in the eyes.

-Hey, Pete? You smoke weed, right, Pete? Me neither. Me and you, Pete. Me and you, heeheehee.

-Don’t just sit there, come over here and give me some sugar.

-Well, if you ever want to piss your parents off, you come see me.

-Let me just say, I’m excited to be here. It’s an honor for you to meet me. I got a lotta characters I’m ready to bust out. I got a character named Biscuit, write that up. Got another character named Renaldo who’s a 2 foot tall Spanish hustler. Glasses, I want you to write that one. Got another character named Ching Chong who loves to play ping pong. I just made that up right now, cuz that’s how I flow. Now I’m up for anything.

-No. I don’t like that.

-So I said, ‘Rick, this chick’s got an Adam’s apple. And, Rick said to me, I’ll never forget this, ‘Freakydeekys need love, too. Freakydeekys need love, too.’

-So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable?

-Nuh uh. Superman does good. You’re doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.

-Lemon. Lemon. Can I be real with you? I haven’t a real job in like, 2 years. I’m not used to all these, all these cue cards and all of that.

-You’re right, I got this. Thanks for looking for me, Lemon. I’ma crush it. Let’s show these people how a movie star does it.

-Hi, I’m Tracy Jordan and I’m bringing the black back to NBC. I’m proud as a peacork, baby.

-What’d I say?

-Peacock, think peacock. Right, Jenna?

-Hi, I’m Tracy Jordan and I’m bringing the black back to NBC. I’m proud as a peaCOCK, baby.

-Hi, I’m Tracy Jordan and I’m bringing the black back to NBC. Right, Jenna Malbany?

-Hi, I’m Tracy Jordan and I’m bringing the black back to NBC. I’m proud as a peacock. Right, my bologna?

-Hi, I’m Tracy Jordan. I’m black, NBC. Very proud. Like peacocks. Right, Janet? I think we got it. I think we got it.

-Please, you can’t hurt me. I did stand up on Rome, the crowd once threw a motorcycle at me.

-Which on is Toofer?

-Oh.

-Let’s crash my car to see if the airbags go off.

-Mostly mad at you.

-Nah, nah, nah, nah. This is what we gonna do, Lemon. You gonna get everyone on my yacht. Harbor cruise, drinks, togetherness.

-I got a yacht, a solid gold jet ski, 2 Batmobiles, the AIDS monkey’s bones..

-Welcome. Welcome to your fantasy.

-Oh, yeah. I’ve taken this boat many places. Miami, Tokyo, Denver.

-What?

-Oh, that’s Spanish for remember your mother.

-My bologna? Look at you. Wow.

-Let me make you a drink. You love apple martinis, right?

-I read your interview in Amtrak magazine.

-Mmmhmm.

-I didn’t know that. Hey Toofer, see if I got any Schnapps.

-It’s for you. Take it, my friend.

-I hear you sing. I didn’t know that. Why don’t you sing something for me.

-I do.

-Hey, hey, Griz, don’t wreck this boat!

-Don’t worry. He was in the Navy.

-I’m Bill Cosby, Jello sweaters.

-You don’t have to thank me, Lemmon, we’re a team now. Like Batman and Robin. Like chicken and chicken container.

-It’s Spanish for ‘remember your mother’. I’ve taken this boat to Denver. You can have that Scotch. Griz was in the Navy.
Continue reading “Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 1”

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 1

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 3

Anytime Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan has a scene on 30 Rock, my brain shuts off and it’s difficult to function. It’s the combination of delivery and content, and there’s hardly ever a scene throughout which, I’m not giggling foolishly. In celebration, I thought I’d post everything he said in 30 Rock Season 3. If you guys like it, I’ll do Season 1 and Season 2, too.

Tracy Morgan Tina FeySome of these lines are made funnier by adding context. For the most part, however, they’re funnier without, so I didn’t include any. Yes, this is basically a transcription of his lines without comment and I could have just copied and pasted out of the scripts. However, they’re not online, so I watched every episode again, just for you. Leave your favorite lines in the comments, enjoy!

Episode 1
“It’s official, I’m a genius. My video game is selling through the riznoof.”

“61 million copies at 60 dollars each.”

“I don’t know, I think I did it alone, and this check is the priznoof.”

“I know what you’re hinting at, Liz Lemon. That I should get my rap career going again. [Whispering] All in due time.”

“Nobles Oblige, yes. Let’s go shopping. To the Bat Mobile!”

“Attention everyone. I’d like to thank everyone involved for making my video game the most profitable thing since the war on terra!”

“Yes, I am provocative!”

“Frank, for all your hard work, please accept this set of solid gold nunchuks.”

“Petey Pete, for letting us use the sound booth, please accept this chinchilla coat.”

“You’re going to get so much nice nice in that, you’re going to have to grow another ding-.”

“Bev, [kissing] mwah. Now you look out for my girl Liz because me and her go way back like spinal chords and car seats.”

“You’re going to sue me? Who do you think you are, the San Diego zoo?”

“You can’t sue me, I’m already being sued. Double indemnity!”

Episode 2
“Do you know who I am? Seriously, please, tell me who I am.”

“Liz Lemon! Nemesis.”

“OK, two can play at that game. Liz, could you please tell Kenneth that Liz wants him?”

“Mediation is a binding form of non-judicial dispute resolution.”

“I watched Boston Legal 9 times before I realized it wasn’t a new Star Trek.”

“What? Please. We are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to black folks. It’s like when Adrian Brody kissed Halle Berry at the Oscars.”

“White people stole jazz, rock and roll, Will Smith, AND heart disease. Now they think they can take my hard earned money.”

“Liz Lemon? That chick is dumb.”

“Do you know it’s still illegal to be black in Arizona.”

“If it weren’t for your people I’d still be in Africa. Gorgeous, politically stable, Africa.”

“Whatever, you couldn’t last one day in my shoes, Maroney, right, Toph?”

“OK, I will.”

“Freaky Friday social experiment.”

“Liz, it’s Becky, your college roommate. See Liz Lemon, you’re already treating me with more respect.”

“You wait til I test this noise out on society. Minds will be blown.”

“You can’t fix this Liz Lemon, it’s about race. It’s about man and woman. It’s about money. It’s about being on TV. And no one understands all that.”

“Hi strangers, do you think I’m sexy. Giggle, giggle, giggle.”

“I’m meeting my girlfriends for brunch, I hope we can sit outside. Lipstick. Heeheehee.”

“Good morning!”

“They ran out of white makeup because I insisted they do my buttocks.”

“Good morning!”

“Jenna and I are doing a social experiment.”

“I haven’t seen Oprah since she did that episode about the worst celebrity dads.”

“Uh, how you doing?”

“It’s the way my world is right now.”

“I’ve been hearing, but I haven’t been listening.”

“Lean on me, when you’re not strong.”
Continue reading “Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 3”

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 3