24 Season 6. Episode 1, 6 AM – 7 AM

I wonder if I should take it as a sign that I missed the first 2 episodes of the season last night? In life, it is important to have priorities and last night I had 53 of them that preempted me from watching ‘24’ beginning at 8:00. We could have started watching a bit late, but I’m not sure how that would be appropriate, especially for the first episode of the year. In any case, I’m watching them now, Monday afternoon, and will truly experience a ‘4 hour season premier’. It’s time to strap in.

This year, the blog will be a bit different. Instead of noting the real time, as in, the time it is when I’m watching the show, I’ll be noting Jack Bauer time, as in, the time it is IN the show. This will make it easier for people to follow along if they don’t watch the show between 9 and 10. Also, I’ll only be counting the deaths or various injuries caused by Jack Bauer and not deaths caused by other characters on the show. We’ll have to see how it goes, but I’m considering counting ‘similarities to the Bush administration.’ These popped up almost weekly last year, though something tells me the Wayne Palmer administration will be different. (Someone, at some point, will need to discuss the possibility of a middling administration aide becoming President 2 years after his brother left office, but that’s for another time. All we know is that in 6 years, ‘24’ has featured 2 more black Presidents than has the United States in 230 years.) I’ll continue to keep track of my prediction ratio, though I’m not sure if I’ll be making more outlandish predictions or fewer.

An aside: This weekend I came upon the first 4 episodes of ‘24’ posted online before having aired. I’m all for people being able to watch what they want when they want, but for real, if you’re going to watch early, you don’t need to go ruining it for the rest of us by telling us what happened. I read a comment that mentioned 2 things that happen/happened in the first 4 episodes. I don’t know if they do or not, but needless to say, I won’t be surprised IF they do. I care more deeply about one of the things than the other, and should they happen I’ll point it out. OK, let’s get on with it.

6:00: Here we go:

-Though no one has taken responsibility, signs point to Islamic militants attacking 11 cities in 11 weeks, the latest in San Antonio. 900 people have been killed.

-Oh, come on, Mr. Busdriver, you know by not picking him up, you’re going to create ANOTHER terrorist. That Arabic guy was probably never so happy to miss his bus.

-Concentration camps/ detention facilities? What’s the difference, right?

-Wayne! We knew you were the President, but it’s nice to see you.

-Oh, that guy Tom, the warmongerer neocon is the dork from Ally McBeal.

-Lincoln suspended habeas corpus, why won’t you?

-If you kill Assad, the attacks will stop? Really? How come? Everything we’ve been told about Islamic militants is that they don’t require a leader to function.

-Yeah! Morris is back, I was really hoping for that, but I couldn’t imagine it being a reality. This show is so ridiculous.

-And Gabe from Six Feet Under is Morris’ boss, Milo? Milo is a middle management name?

-The writers decided to make Chloe the Rhino a hottie this year, in case you missed it, they had Morris pretty much make a poster board about it as he rubbed her ass.

-Jack Bauer: “The President negotiated his release 2 days ago.”

-Good to see Chloe has as much consternation as usual.

6:07: Bill Buchannon and Curtis are picking Jack Bauer up from the airport. They couldn’t send a cab?

-Buchannon needs to sign the receipt for the Chinese guy, that figures. The Chinese wouldn’t want the US to claim that he never got here. At least now they have a tracking number, etc.

-Jack Bauer hasn’t spoken a word in 2 years, the first word he speaks will be a whisper.

6:10: $25 Million dollars AND Jack Bauer’s pelt. Abu Fayed wants his pound of flesh for what happened in Beiruit? Isn’t Kim Bauer a lot less valuable, I’m CERTAIN she’s not doing anything.

-Audrey first, Kim second. A man’s got to have priorities. I swear, if they make Jack Bauer sign something, I’ll freak.

-That’s nice, they have a make up mirror and shaving cream. Think they got the Gillette Fusion for him?

OK so we go to commercial and it’s 6:13, we come back and it’s…

6:19: What’d you expect, Bill? He’s been in a Chinese torture prison for 2 years… Guess that breakfast with what’s her name (Karen Hayes?) turned into something special in 2 years. She turned in to one of the good ones, huh?

-Nadia, hi, I’m Chloe, I’m a Rhino, you tell me stuff for which I don’t have clearance, or I’ll get you fired. I play hardball. Got it?

-Chloe knows Karen’s number by heart?

-“If we want these attacks to stop, Jack Bauer has to be sacrificed.” You know, it’s that type of thinking that got us in trouble in the first place. You got to think out of the box, Nadia!

-Does Morris have the clearance for this?

-How did Bill and Curtis know Jack’s clothing size wouldn’t have changed? AND, couldn’t they get him a tie?

-Why is Wayne speaking on a cell phone while sitting at his desk in the oval office? This is truly a mobile generation.

-You’re the President, Wayne, it doesn’t matter if you want to be in charge or not!

-This Ally McBeal, Tom, guy is such a wankering nincompoop. I hate him.

-Tom does what he wants, whether the President wants it or not. That’s not second guessing, it’s guessing after primary guesses have been made, by the President, his boss.

-“Plain English does not allow for the nuances that my job requires.” Wow, what a douche bag. I am definitely going to use this sentence in my career.

-I really wish they had given Jack Bauer a tie. That would have made this whole thing a little better. Or maybe a jacket.

-Jack Bauer is alive because he didn’t want to die for nothing. But he still whispers.

6:30: That woman just stood less than a foot from the TV and picked up the remote to shut the TV off. She couldn’t just press the power button?

-Ahmed’s dad just got arrested. And Kumar is Ahmed. People are excited about this.

-Stan the contractor is harassing Ahmed and Scott’s dad is going to handle it. This seems like an After School Special.

-I can’t believe that Ray is doing the right thing, he seemed like such a simp.

-Oh Ray, Ray, Ray, you know not what you do, you just brought a snake into your house.

-Morris has his own satellites? I KNEW I was excited about him being on the show again. What else can he do?

-Oh yeah, like one punch from a ninny terrorist is going to knock Jack Bauer out. HE JUST SPENT 20 MONTHS IN A CHINESE TORTURE PRISON. Give me a break.

-So Morris has his own satellites, but he’s not good enough to keep the pictures from being intercepted… Right. It just shows to go ya, Jack Bauer is the only TRULY perfect spy. Everyone else is only good enough to get into trouble.

-Is this going to get Chloe or Morris fired? Both?

-What the hell is that stuff connected to Fayed’s cell?
-Woah! Nadia speaks Arabic.

6: 52: Oh ho ho, “If these attacks don’t stop, there are people in this administration who are willing to tear up the Constitution in the name of National Security.” “The things that they’re talking about doing – this country will never recover.” More on this later.

-Oh, what the hell, let’s count torture scenes. 1.

-Assad is getting pushed out of the way because he’s too moderate for the cause. Fayed’s behind the attacks, not Assad!

-What did Fayed just stick into Jack Bauer’s back? A long pointy skewer? Yikes.

-So Jack Bauer stayed alive in China because he didn’t want to die for nothing, then he thought he was dying for something, now Fayed says he’s going to die for nothing again. That’s a hard life.

-Fayed should know that nothing invigorates Jack Bauer like being tortured. This is how Jack Bauer gets up in the morning.

6:58: Confirmation that Kumar is a terrorist. It’s a good thing, Kumar called when he did, I think that Jack Bauer’s trigger finger was about to get crushed.

-JBKC: 1. That was probably the grossest way Jack Bauer has ever killed anyone, wow. He kneed him in the balls and then bit his carotid artery.

-If Fayed is really the bad guy, why would Jack Bauer bother leaving that hideout until he got it bombed or killed Fayed himself? Because then we wouldn’t have a show!

24 Season 6. Episode 1, 6 AM – 7 AM