Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1-5

Below are links to everything Tracy Jordan said in each season of 30 Rock up through Season 5 in honor of 30 Rock’s last episode. I have a little less time than I used to, so I haven’t done Season 6 and Season 7, and now that the show’s over they’ll probably never get done (if I’m being honest). These are just transcripts of Tracy Jordan’s dialogue without context, which some people find boring. I find them magical. You can also find Everything Don Draper Said and a few characters from Lost, too.

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 1
Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 2
Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 3
Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 4
Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 5

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1-5

Everything Don Draper Said Season 4

Here’s Season 4 of Everything Don Draper Said. That is, everything Don Draper Said on Season 4 of Mad Men. It’s over a year past due, but thanks for being patient. Here’s of Everything Don Draper Said (and Season 1, Season 2, and Season 3 (PLUS Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.)) This is Don’s most talkative year by far, up by about 25% over the Season 1 talkathon. As always, this is everything Don Draper said transcribed. It’s completely out of context, but if you like Mad Men, you’ll like this.

Episode 1
“Excuse me?”
“What do men say when you ask that?”
“I don’t want to do that? In the third person?”
“Who told you that?”
“Well, as I said before, I’m from the midwest. We were taught that it’s not polite to talk about yourself.”
“I wanted it to be indistinguishable from the movies. I wanted people to be watching it and say, ‘What’s happening in the story right now? Oh, it’s something else’. It’s not an ad. At least not for the first 30 seconds of it.”
“Oh, uh, you all should meet. This is Jack Hammond from Advertising Age. Roger Sterling. Pete Campbell.”
“I look forward to the article.”
“Alright. Where is this party? Sheraton?”
“Next time just have one meeting.”
“Do you want women who want bikinis to buy your two piece, or do you just want to make sure women who want a two piece don’t suddenly buy a bikini?”
“Right now.”
“Can you give me a minute?”
“Count to 100 and buzz me.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know he was coming and I don’t know who that is.”
“And we could have had a conference table.”
“About why there is no table.”
“Well, first of all, they’re prudes. Second of all, Y&R was standing in the hall way when we left.”
“When the competition was fair. Every hour of my time has to be accounted for in the growth of this company. Get me in a room where I have a chance.”
“Y&R has 6 floors of creative. They can throw bodies at this account for weeks. We don’t have that kind of firepower.”
“You don’t say that to the clients, do you?”
“Send him in?”
“What do you think?”
“According to this, I’m already a wealthy man.”
“He already has.”
‘What about it?”
“Seemed so far away when we agreed to it.”
“Start World War III.”
“Leave it alone.”
“Come on.”
“What do you need?”
“I can’t, Roger, I have plans.”
“I could say the same thing.”
“I’ve hardly been a monk.”
“Hello, Celia.”
“I look forward to it.”
“Have you seen my shine kit?”
“No. You need to put things back where you found them!”
“So, how do you know Jane?”
“I don’t have to ask you any questions.”
“You sat down so fast, I didn’t get a good look.”
“It’s hard to believe there are two girls that can wear that.”
“First that Roger was involved in.”
“And there are so many real problems in the world.”
“I don’t know if I can make you feel better about the world.”
“What do you do?”
“And what is that?”
“Like the chorus.”
“That is truly fascinating.”
“I have, but only for business so I’ve never enjoyed it.”
“They make you wear a bib.”
“Two chicken kievs.”
“The Barbazan. I bet that would make a great opera.”
“It’s tempting, but, um, I have plans.”
“Well, how about right now. I stopped the meter, but we can start it again. It’ll be like I just picked you up.”
“Let me walk you in.”
“Waverly and 6th Avenue.”
“For a guy from AdAge, he can really write.”
“Jesus. He never asked me that. Did he check any facts?”
“My job is to write ads. Not go around talking about who I am.”
“Why do you have so many copies?”
“It’ll be lining birdcages by Friday.”
“Well, it’s done. I learned a valuable lesson: Stay away from one legged reporters.”
“That is good news. Thank you.”
“They raise you up and knock you down. I don’t know what I could have done differently.”
“I didn’t mention anyone, that’s the reporter’s job.”
“How much was left in Hoho anyway? We’ll survive with jai-ali off our list.”
“And what do I do differently? I told him the truth. Who gives a crap what I say anyway, my work speaks for me.”
“You want a drink?”
“Oh, of course you do.”
“No, it’s fine.”
“Wait a minute.”
“So do it. Harder. Again.”
“Why did you answer it?”
“Happy Thanksgiving.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Where are you?”
“Spit it out, honey.”
“I’m here.”
“Call Pete.”
“I ought to let you twist in the win.”
“I’m not happy. And I don’t think it’s funny or cute. You run something like that by me first. I would have kept you looking like an idiot, or worse yet, making me look like one. Is that what you want? You want people to think we’re idiots, Peggy?”
“Who are you?”
“Why’d you bring him up here if you didn’t want him involved?”
“How much turkey did you eat?”
“Where’s the baby?”
“I’d like to see him.”
“Henry. Come on, let’s go.”
“I’ll sew it on in the morning.”
“I can do a button, I’ll show you.”
“I’ll leave the light on in the bathroom so there won’t be anymore problems.”
“Goodnight, both of you.”
“Do you have your key?”
“For what?”
“It’s almost 10.”
“She didn’t.”
“Henry, do you mind?”
“When are you moving out?”
“Well, you were supposed to be out a month ago.”
“Well, either do as we agreed, or I’m gonna need to collect rent.”
“Or you could just buy it from me, if you want to.”
“Believe me, Henry, everybody thinks this is temporary.”
“Send her in.”
“They could have just as easily fired us.”
“Well, I’m not. I try and stay away from these kinds of shenanigans, but I guess you knew that or you would have told me.”
“Thanks for the ham.”
“Since when do you have a fiance.”
“You brought him with you because you thought I wouldn’t embarrass you.”
“It doesn’t always work, does it? You need to think a little bit more about the image of this agency.”
“I won’t need you in the Jansen presentation.”
“No, I just think it would be better not to have a girl in the room.”
“You go to the swimming pool, you go to the beach. Take off your robe you head into the cabana. There’s no other way to slice it, you’re getting undressed.”
“What separates a bathing suit from underwear? The cut and the print of the cloth, and some sort of gentleman’s agreement. So well built, we can’t show you the second floor.”
“Good. That’s what I was going for. A wink, but it’s not a leer.”
“Modest want to be stimulated, too. This draws them in in a way that will make your competitors seem crude and obvious, plus they’ll be dying to see the suit.”
“You’ll get them into the store. Isn’t that the point?”
“I think I know what you’re looking for. A couple of women bouncing a beach ball. A little girl in front of them building a sand castle. Your competitors are going to keep killing you because you’re too scared of the skin your two piece was designed to show off.”
“You need to decide to decide what kind of company you want to be. Comfortable and dead, or risky and possibly rich.”
“Well, gentleman, you were wondering what a creative agency looks like, there you have it. Hope you enjoyed looking in the window.”
“What? No. That’s not the point.”
“Out. Get out. Get your things and get out of my office, now. Come on! Let’s go.”
“Call Bert Cooper’s man at the Wall Street Journal.”
“Last year, our agency was being swallowed whole. I realized I had two choices: I could die of boredom, or holster up my guns.”
“So I walked into Lane Pryce’s office and I said, ‘Fire us.’ Two days later we were operating out of the Pierre Hotel. Within a year we had taken over the Time Life Building.”
Continue reading “Everything Don Draper Said Season 4”

Everything Don Draper Said Season 4

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 5


Here for your reading pleasure and nitpicky criticism is Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 5 of 30 Rock. As always, this is actually EVERYTHING he said, and is not intended to be a best of. This was a pretty analog exercise 2 years ago when I did it the first time, and it feels more so now. Theoretically, this should be a 20 minute supercut of all his lines for the season. There is, however, something interesting about seeing all of the lines in one place. You can also check out: Other seasons of Tracy Jordan, Everything Hurley Said, Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, and Everything Don Draper Said.

Episode 1
-Yo. I’m calling to say that I’m giving you 110% this year. I’m relaxed. I’m focused. And I’m gonna be churning out the good stuff like you’ve never seen.
-Oh. I misdialed. I thought I was calling my nutritionist. Goodbye.
-Hey, KKKK. First day back is gonna be a busy one. First, I need you to go to the drycleaners for me and find out how Martinizing works. I’ve always been curious. Then, I need you to be back by noon to make the bathroom smell like sandalwood before I wreck it. You got that K-Pack of Gum.
-Of course. I knew that.
-Kenneth, I knew you’d come back. Let me smell your head.
-I’m sorry, but my heart is playing tricks on my eyes, just like my kidneys did to my lungs that time.
-I keep hallucinating Kenneth. Am I going crazy again? Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage?
-Like the World Cup. I’ll try. No. This place is too full of memories. I’ve got to clear my head!
-No! You do not exist. I am in control of this.
-You’re not real. If I threw you in front of a car, it would drive right through you.
-Of course it would. It would know everything I knew because it sprung from my imagination.
-Oh, no. I missed it! Do it again.
-I love you, Kenwood. Why don’t you come back home to TGS. Pick the peas out of my fried rice. And the rice. I just want carrots.
-Don’t you miss rubbing my foot back into the shape of a foot?
-I guess this is goodbye. Obviously, I’m gonna need the tote bag.
-Sure is, wanna go kiss in the prop cage?

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Episode 2
-I’m werewolfing myself.
-You know when a dude knows he’s gonna turn into a werewolf and locks himself in a jail? Well, I’m embarrassed to say I’ve missed the birth of both of my sons…for very legitimate reasons.
-So I promised Angie I will not miss the birth of our daughter.
-And my mood ring! And I don’t know how I feel about that.
-And good for you, Liz Lemon. There’s something about you lately. Make me want to put my feet in your mouth.
-I can’t leave my dressing room until Angie goes in to labor, but the president is saying we have to go outside.
-If I was a real werewolf, I’d wear baggy clothes so my nice clothes wouldn’t get all torn up. Same rules for if I were the Hulk. I don’t get why people like brunch. What’s the benefit of combining breakdancing and lunch?
-You’re not Griz! Ahh!
-I just gotta get to the hospital on Right There. Taxi! Sir, I don’t have any money, but I need to get to Mount Sinai Hospital.
-Wow, it’s like I always say, ‘White cab drivers are weird.’.
-Explain the rules.
-So to be there for the birth of my daughter I have to answer trivia questions despite having gone to middle school in an Exxon station?
-Bring it.
-Come on, I don’t know that.
-OK, I remember going to the Statue of Liberty Centennial cuz that year someone had spread a rumor that she was going to slip out of her toga and I wanted to see some green boobies. And that year the Mets had just won the World Series cuz that night I was randomly attacked by a Mets fan that I had thrown a pile doo at. That was 1986. And centennial is a hundred years because centipeding means having sex with a hundred women. I got it. 1886.
-She is an orca, Benjamin. FYI, they’re very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.
-I’m coming, Angie!
-The Lazy Susan was invented by Thomas Jefferson. I know because I’m a descendent of Thomas Jefferson and Lazy Susan herself. The capital of the United Arab Emirates is Abu Dhabi. I know that because if I go back there, I’ll be executed. There are twelve tons in the chromatic scale. [Singing] I know that because I’m a musical genius.
-Tracy Jordan. Hero. Husband. Diabetic slash alcoholic. Yes!
-Am I pulling it right?
-It’s still not opening.
-I’m trying to pull, you keep saying push.
-What you want me to do? You’re yelling at me.
-I’m freaking out!
-Because I love you, baby, and I’ll always be by your side no matter what Discovery Channel game show stands in my way. I wouldn’t have missed whatever just happened here for anything. I don’t know what I’d do without you. And I mean it.
-Why is that baby covered with goop?
-You ready for this, Jacky D?
-Jacky D, you want to make God laugh? Make a plan, or read him a Dave Barry book. You worried about being old, Jack? You could live forever, but you still can’t predict what happens in life. Wait a minute, there’s no baby in here.
-Oh, she’s in the crib. Good.
-I hate to say I told you so, so, ‘Welcome to Miami’.
Continue reading “Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 5”

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 5

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 4

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Last year, Tracy Jordan I put together a transcript of Everything Tracy Jordan Said in Season 3 of 30 Rock. You guys liked it and I subsequently put together Everything Hurley Said, Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, Everything Don Draper Said, and a the first two seasons of Everything Tracy Jordan Said. Here is Season 4. This season, Tracy Jordan had a few great lines, specifically in Episodes 18 and 21. As always, these are ALL of Tracy Jordan’s lines from Season 4. If you’re looking for a best of list or this isn’t your thing, there’s plenty of other internet out there for you. It’s going to take a second to get through, so be careful if you have stuff to do today.

Episode 1
-I can’t eat this, I’m a foodie.
-Well, before I made it in the stand up, I was a bucket drummer in the subway.
-Oh, yeah? Then how come I got sued for sexual harassment at it?
-You know how on St. Bart’s people be eating their lobster like this? Nyoooom, nyoooom, nyoooom, nyoooom.
-Don’t look at me in the eyes.
-Have I lost touch with my roots? I better talk to Rabbi Schmuli about this.
-I blame you and Dotcom. You have built a protective shell around me like a hermit crab or a mermaid booby. And now I’ve touch with the common man. Ehhhh. Who’s that?
-Oh, hey, guy. Come on in. So Rolly, where you from?
-Right on, my brother. My dear friend Moby opened up a tea house in Park Slope. Does he know you?
-Hey, Rolly, you ever lose your remote control?
-And then your wife start getting all mad because the roof won’t close and the bed that’s in the shape of your face is getting rained on? Hahaha. I like you, Rolly. Can I feel the rough skin on your hands?
-What do you mean that was weird? You sheltered me too much! I’m going out on the street and I don’t want nobody to follow me. Nobody. Uhmm. Which one is the elevator I’m not afraid of? RIGHT.
-Kenneth, how do I get out of this building?!
-Hello, is anyone there? I’m in a sort of tunnel and I see a man with a blue uniform. I think he’s a friend. Oh, never mind, there’s a door. Oh, it’s sunny!
-Hello, fellow human being. Would you like to ask me what time it is?
-Are you a large child or a small adult?
-You look regular, could I get your name? Is it Pedro? Is it Creckford? Is it Swimming?
-Are you a pre-op transcentaur?
-Excuse me, do you have change for a $10,000 bill?
-I would like some chicken nuggets, a beer, and some of my wife’s rice, to stay.
-Excuse me, sir, do you want to hold hands with a black millionaire?
-Does anyone want to be my friend?
-I’m normal!
-It’s going super great, Dotcom. Meet my new friends, Nobody. And his wife Susan Walters Hyphen Nobody. I’m so far from my roots, I don’t think I’ll ever get back.
-What’s that sound? Bucket drummers!
-These. These are my people. Bucket drummers, if you’re striking, so am I. Two-four-six-eight-ten-twelve-fourteen-sixteen-eighteen.
-New what? If it’s a blonde woman, I’m a kill myself!
Continue reading “Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 4”

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 4

Everything Sawyer Said Season 5

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Here’s sawyerEverything Sawyer Said from Season 5 of Lost. When I started watching this season again, I was surprised by how big of a role Sawyer had this year. In fact he had about 1/3 more lines than Locke, who seemed to be at least as big a character. Surprisingly, there were 3 episodes in which Sawyer didn’t appear. He had about 6K words, which point of reference, Don Draper usually comes in around 9K-10K.

If you like this, you might like Everything Hurley Said, Everything Locke Said, Everything Don Draper Said or Everything Tracy Jordan Said. As always, these are submitted without context, so it might not be your thing. It’s a big internet out there, though, you’ll find something.

Lost fans, you should subscribe to 815 Sentences About Lost, a project of mine which is launching next week.

Episode 1
“Hell was that?”
“Where’s the freighter?”
“Uh uh, no way. A minute ago there was just coffin black smoke. Now there’s just nothing?”
“It was heading for that boat.”
“Just calm down, there’s no need to panic, alright, we’ll just go back to camp, figure this…”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“What do you mean the camps not gone? Who the hell are you anyway?”
“You mean the hatch? The one we blew up?”
“Before what happens again. And why is our camp gone?”
“I told you. We were running out of gas. I wanted to make sure she…I wanted to make sure they got back to the boat. It don’t matter now, does it?”
“First things first. Give me your shirt.”
“How we call a time out so you can tell us what the hell’s going on?”
“Trust you? I don’t know you.”
“Shut it, Ginger, or you’re getting one, too. Now talk.”
“Not everyone. Locke.”
“So when are we now, Wiz Kid?”
“It was. Blown up, just like we left it.”
“You saying our camp is back on the beach again?”
“Good, I’m going back.”
“More pointless than staring at a hole in the ground?”
“Yeah, well, what if it ain’t? Hell, what if the helicopter hasn’t even taken off yet?”
“Who says?”
“Why not?”
“How do you know so much about this, Danny Boy?”
“So how can we stop it?”
“Then who can?”
“Son of a… bitch.”
“Backdoor. I’m getting some supplies.”
“The sky can flash all it wants, but I ain’t starting over, Dilbert. I ain’t rubbing 2 sticks together to start a fire and I ain’t hunting damn boar. There’s Dharma food, beer, and clothing in there. And I’m getting Desmond to let me in one way or another.”
“Yeah, why not?”
“This would all be fascinating if I was listening to you.”
“I don’t care whose in there.”
“Open the damn door.”
“Sure it will.”
“You’ll open up. It’s the ghost of Christmas future.”
“Open the damn door. Open the door.”
“Open up, I know you can hear me.”
“Everybody that I care about just blue up on your damn boat. I know what I can’t change.”
Continue reading “Everything Sawyer Said Season 5”

Everything Sawyer Said Season 5

Everything Hurley Said Season 5

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Here’s hurleyEverything Hurley Said from Season 5 of Lost. Originally, Hurley’s character seemed to be only for comic relief, but by Season 5, he’s definitely become a solid member of the cast, and a big part of the story. There were 3 episodes he wasn’t in at all, and I left those in so you could follow along if you wanted. If you like this, you might like Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, Everything Don Draper Said or Everything Tracy Jordan Said. As always, these are submitted without context, so it might not be your thing, but if you want to get a good idea of Hurley’s character, I’d start here.

Lost fans, you should subscribe to 815 Sentences About Lost, a project of mine which is launching next week.

Episode 1
“Here she comes, right now.”
“Awesome. You want a fry?”
“You know maybe if you ate more comfort food, you wouldn’t have to go around shooting people.”
“So that you popped outside Santa Rosa, who was he?”
“You think he was going to kill me?”
“You mean Locke?”
“I need a cool code name.”
“So when did you become so paranoid?”
“Oh, yeah? Paranoid like what? What kind of things?”
“Wait, he’s on our side now?”
“Sayid! Woah. You OK? Dude, dude. Oh, man. I thought this was supposed to be a safe house. We never should have left that island.”

Continue reading “Everything Hurley Said Season 5”

Everything Hurley Said Season 5

Everything Don Draper Said Season 3

Mad Men Season 3
Here’s Season 3 of Everything Don Draper Said (and Season 1 and Season 2 (PLUS Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1, 2, and 3)). There were a few episodes this season where Don’s story wasn’t necessarily the focal point, or he didn’t have too many knockout scenes, and yet, as you scroll through, you’ll still find some magic. He had about 500 more words than last season, but much less than the 10K words in Season 1. As always, what follows is a transcription of everything Don Draper said this season on Mad Men. There’s no context, but if you’re a fan of the show, you’ll lose your morning looking at this. Enjoy!

Episode 1
“Come on, drink this.”
“You’re so sure it’s a girl?”
“I could have done that.”
“At least you don’t look tired.”
“Close your eyes.”
“You’re on a warm sandy beach.”
“You’re on a warm sandy beach. You can smell the faint scent of coconut oil. And as you slide your hands though that cold patch of sand underneath the shadow of your deck chair.”
“Bert’s on it’s way. Where’s Roger?”
“Well, it’s a sales call, isn’t there more I can do here?”
“Really? I have one.”
“Come on in, Bert.”
“This isn’t easy.”
“Is that the last of it? Because I don’t like how much I’m getting used to these.”
“Can you believe this? What is the world coming to?”
“That’s not a bottle, it’s his date.”
“‘I’m sorry honey, but I’m taken. I just pawned my typewriter so we can be together all weekend.'”
“Excuse me?”
“Uh, Bill. Call me Bill. And, uh, this is my associate, Mr. Fleischman.”
“Well, we have to check in and we have an early meeting.”
“The Belvedere.”
“Hoffstadt. My brother in law. He borrowed a suitcase to go to Puerto Rico, but he never tires of putting his name on other people’s things.”
“Uh, no, it’s OK. I don’t usually tell people I’m an accountant.”
“Of course you do know there are other kinds of accountants.”
“Tell them what we do.”
“Well, I’ll have to swear you all to secrecy.”
“You’re right.”
“You ever heard of James Hoffa.”
“There is a lot of money missing.”
“No, we’re accountants.”
“I don’t know, I keep going to a lot of places and keep ending up somewhere I’ve already been.”
“Well, this is me.”
“I don’t know.”
“I’ve been married a long time. You get plenty of chances. It’s my birthday.”
“It really is.”
“That’s not gonna help.”
“Stand up.”
“Go on.”
“Not yet.”
“Come on, let’s go. Come on, forget your shoes. Let’s go. Come on!”
“Come on.”
“I’m just here to show you the continuity of our service. With our without Bert Peterson, you are on our mind.”
“Morris, you remember Salvatore Romano.”
“Sal, this is Howard.”
“Well, is it about our work? I mean, we don’t want to take credit for everything, but 2 of every 3 raincoats sold last year had London Fog stitched on the inside pocket.”
“London Fog is a 40 year old brand that sounds like it’s existed forever. You’ve established with our help that it means one thing. Rain coats. New products aside, there will be fat years and there will be lean years, but it is going to rain.”
“What time is it?”
“We should be back in the office by 3.”
“I’m gonna ask you something and I want you to be completely honest with me. London Fog. It’s a subway car, and there’s a commuter looking up. There’s a girl with her back to us. She’s wearing one of those short tan ones, but it’s open. Her legs are bare. We know what he’s seeing. Limit your exposure.”
“Help yourself. So, Cosgrove vs Campbell. Is Cooper playing God or Darwin?”
“Lane read about it in some management book?”
“Come in.”
“Our stories are straight.”
“Find how much it is to repair and it will come out of your allowance.”
“Then don’t break things.”
“Come here.”
“I will always come home. You’ll always be my girl.”
“I don’t sleep well when I’m not here.”
“Well, it was the middle of the night and it was raining very hard and I had just come home from work.”
Continue reading “Everything Don Draper Said Season 3”

Everything Don Draper Said Season 3

Everything Don Draper Said Season 2

Mad Men Season 2
As mentioned last week, Everything Don Draper Said (Season 1) follows up on Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1, 2, and 3. This season is only around 7500 words (as opposed to Season 1’s 10K words), but you’re still gonna lose a morning if you try to read it all at once. Stay tuned, more coming soon from your favorite television characters. In any case, this fall is going to feature some fun Everything They Said projects… Without further adieu.

Episode 1
“Yeah, I eat a lot of apples.”
“What’s the number?”
“Dead, both.”
“My dad was 41, 42, he died in an accident. My mother died in childbirth. She was 22, I think.”
“Everything? Depends on the day.”
“What do you mean?”
“How do you feel?”
“Nope, no, I’ve been good.”
“How is it?”
“Makes you feel better about sitting in a bar at lunch. Makes you feel like you’re getting something done.”
“Is it good?”
“Any calls?”
“Of course.”
“What do we have?”
“I can almost picture it.”
“So it’s about an airline that’s flown by Indians. Maybe a plane with some arrows stuck in the cargo door? That’s funny. That’s what gets people attention now, right? There has to be advertising for people who don’t have a sense of humor.”
“What else you got?”
“Stop writing for other writers.”
“What’s outside that window?”
“I get on a plane, I don’t care where I’m going, I just want to see the city disappearing behind me.”
“That Indian, that’s not about the majestic beauty of the Mohawk nation. It’s about adventure. Could be a pirate. Could be a knight in shining armor. Could be a conquistador getting off a boat. It’s about a fantastical people who are taking you someplace you’ve never been. Blah, blah, blah, blah.”
“You want to get on a plane to feel alive. You want to get on a place to see just the hint of a woman’s thigh because her skirt is just this much too short.”
“So I guess I’m helping both of us.”
“For what purpose?”
“Well, young campaigns don’t necessarily come from young people.”
“So what am I supposed to do, dangle a Pepsi out the window and see if I can hook a stroller?”
“This sounds like accounts to me.”
“You want younger people than that?”
“Tell Duck, clients don’t understand. Their success is related to standing out, not fitting in. It’s a fad. Paint them a picture, uh, something like one wants to be the needle in the haystack, not a haystack.”
“You’re talking as if they’re some fresh version of us. They’re not. Young people don’t know anything, especially that they’re young.”
“I know.”
“Don’t worry, we will be out of here before the singer starts.”
“I don’t think we have, Bets, Don Draper.”
“I do.”
“I don’t think it’s permanent.”
“She’s a party girl, Bets.”
“How stupid do you think I am?”
“How does room service sound?”
“Hold on.”
“Hello, yes, this is Mr. Draper in room 804. Yes, can you send up some vishiswas and a BLT on white toast…”
“Scratch that, 2 shrimp cocktails.”
“So, I have a lot of thoughts. How old are you?”
“Right, you’re experienced, I got it. Are you married?”
“So, again, you both did everything together and yet you get paid more?”
“But, you contribute words?”
“I’m gonna ask you a question that was always asked of me when I was on job interviews.”
“Have you ever been fired?”
“Book’s good. By the way it has Julian Koenig’s fingerprints all over it.”
“Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Smith.”
“That must happen all the time. You two share an office?”
“Of course not.”
“Good. So now that I’ve given you your babies and Xerox machine, should I throw in a couple of elephants? I don’t want there to be any excuses when you can’t bring in Martinson’s Coffee.”
“Send them in.”
“Where are we?”
“Are you gonna underline the ‘you’? For half the people it will be ‘where are you going’?”
“Where the hell is Dale?”
“I don’t know, sure, it’s fine. It’s obvious, I’m uninvolved.”
“What about that?”
“No, she’s right. Just because it has sentiment doesn’t make it sentimental. We’re talking about businessmen.”
“Says who? Just so you know, the people who talk that way think that monkeys can do this. And they take all this monkey crap and just stick it in a briefcase completely aware that their success depends on something more than their shoeshine. You are the product. You feeling something. That’s what sells. Not them. Not sex. They can’t do what we do. And they hate us for it.”
“Is that a question?”
“You can put that in your book.”
“Take your hat off.”
“Hey, Carla. Hey, BD.”
“I am tired. Where’s Mrs. Draper.”
“Want a ride to the station?”
“Here, give it to me.”
“I’m here, too.”
“Hi. Bobby conked out, where were you?”
“Well, I was here.”
“I did.”
“Come on, show me what you learned in ballet.”
“”Now I am quietly waiting for the catastrophe of my personality to seem beautiful again. And interesting and modern. The country is gray and brown and white and trees. Snows and skies of laughter always diminishing. Less funny, not just darker, not just gray. It may be the coldest day of the year, what does he think of that? I mean, what do I? And if I do, perhaps I am myself again.””
Continue reading “Everything Don Draper Said Season 2”

Everything Don Draper Said Season 2

Everything Don Draper Said Season 1

Following up on Everything Tracy Jordan Said Seasons 1, 2, and 3, I figured I’d celebrate one of my other favorite shows by giving you Everything Don Draper Said Season 1 (Season 2 coming next week).

It’sDon Draper over 10K words of Dreamy Don’s dialogue, and unfortunately there’s a more conversational lines than with Tracy Jordan. I was thinking about going through this and bolding the lines worth reading, but that turns this into more of a subjective exercise than I’m interested in. I hope you’ll call out your favorites in the comments, though, if you ever get to the end. I suggest you bookmark and come back, or print out and read on the commute. True Mad Men fans have just lost a morning of work. Enjoy!

Episode 1
“Yeah, hey, do you have a light? Old Gold man, huh?”
“Can I ask you a question? Why do you smoke Old Gold?”
“No, we’re actually just having a conversation, is that OK? Yeah. Do this again. Old Fashioned, please.”
“So you obviously need to relax after working here all night?”
“But what is it? I mean, low tar? Those new filters? Why don’t… why Old Gold?”
“So you’re used to them, is that it?”
“I could never get you to try another brand, say, my Luckies.”
“Alright, well, let’s just say, tomorrow, a tobacco weevil comes and eats, every last Old Gold on the planet.”
“It’s a tragedy, would you just stop smoking.”
“I love smoking, that’s very good.”
“Yeah, I heard about that.”
“Yes they do.”
“Am I interrupting anything?”
“How’s it going?”
“Can I run a few ideas past you?”
“I’m having a situation with my cigarette account.”
“Trade commission is cracking down on all of our health cares.”
“Well, that’s just it. The whole safer cigarette thing is over. No more doctors. No more testimonials. No more cough free, soothes your T zone, low tar, low nicotine, filter tip, nothing. All I have is a crush proof box and 4 out of 5 dead people smoked your brand.”
“I don’t want to go to school tomorrow.”
“Midge, I’m serious. I have nothing. I am over and they’re finally going to know it. Next time you see me they’ll be a bunch of young executives picking meat off my ribs.”
“What’s your secret?”
“We should get married.”
“I’m serious, you have your own business, you don’t mind when I come over.”
“What size Cadillac do you take?”
“Sterling’s having the tobacco people in in 9 hours and I have nothing.”
“You know there’s this kid who comes by my office everyday, looks where he’s going to put his plants.”
“It’s been on my mind.”
“You worried?”
“So, you, uh, came here cause you wanted to watch me get dressed?”
“In body, give me about a half hour for the rest of it.”
“Not on my watch.”
“We’ve got an Italian, Salvatore, my art director.”
“Sorry. Most of the Jewish guys work for the Jewish firms.”
“That’s very good.”
“You want me to run down to the deli, grab somebody?”
“Summer’s coming.”
“If I know these guys, you’re better off with a little sex appeal. Can you give me a woman in a bathing suit, put her next to your guy?”
“Give you a chance to get a real model.”
“Ah, I’m not really big on those things.”
“So. That’s it, huh? Relax?”
“Send her in.”
“I’m doing my own research.”
“The medical thing is dead, we understand that.”
“So basically, if you love danger, you’ll love smoking.”
“Freud, you say, what agency is he with?”
“Let me tell you something, Ms. Guttman.”
“Dr. Guttman. Psychology might be great at cocktail parties, but it so happens people were buying cigarettes before Freud was born. The issue isn’t why should people smoke, it’s why should people smoke Lucky Strike. Suggesting that our customers have a… what did you call it, a death wish? I just don’t see that on a billboard.”
“Just give me the damn report.”
“Oh, I’m sure I will. You’re the one who found all of our medical testimonials in the first place.”
“Has anyone else seen this?”
“Good. I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I’m sorry, I just find your whole approach perverse.”
“Sal, I’ll take that drink now.”
“He doesn’t know I’m sleeping in here, does he?”
“Who are you?”
“Would you , uh, you go out there and entertain him?”
“I see your point.”
“Send him in.”
“You are tough to take first thing in the morning, Pete.”
“Uh, she’s the new girl.”
“That’ll be all.”
“Oh, and sorry about Mr. Campbell here, he left his manners back at the fraternity house.”
“The future Mrs. Pete Campbell is a very lucky woman, when is the wedding again?”
“He sure did.”
“How old are you, Pete?”
“I bet the whole world looks like one great big brassier snap just waiting to be snapped, huh?”
“Campbell, we’re both men here, so I’m going to be direct.”
“Advertising is a very small world and when you do something like malign the reputation of a girl in the steno pool on her first day, you make it even smaller. Keep it up, and even if you do get my job, you’ll never run this place. You’ll die in that corner office, a mid-level executive with a little bit of hair who women go home with out of pity. Want to know why? Cause no one will like you.”
“Well, at least the building. Pleasure to meet you.”
“Oh, uh, I’m sorry. I was expecting.”
“And you are?”
“Of course, David, one of the rising stars at Sterling Cooper.”
“Very subtle, isn’t that your shirt?”
“Then, a 10% off coupon in select ladies magazines will increase your first time customers. Once we get them into the store, the rest is kind of up to you.”
“Ms. Mencken, coupons work. I think your father would agree with this strategy.”
“What kind of people do you want?”
“We obviously have very different ideas.”
“Ms, you are way out of line.”
“Talk out what, the silly idea that people are going to come to some store they’ve never been to because it’s more expensive?”
“Mencken’s is not Channel.”
“This is ridiculous, I’m not going to let a woman talk to me like this, this meeting is over. Good luck, Ms. Mencken.”
“Well, Roger’s not going to be happy, so I guess that’s good for you.”
“Look, I’m sorry I was so hard on you before, it’s just this damn tobacco thing.”
“Let’s take it a little slower, I don’t want to wake up pregnant.”
“Well, uh, I have been thinking quite a bit about this. And, uh. I mean you know I’m a Lucky Strike man from way back, so..”
“Gentleman, before you leave, can I just say something?”
“The Federal Trade Commission and Readers’ Digest have done you a favor. They’ve let you know that any ad that brings up the concept of cigarettes and health together, well, it’s just gonna make people think of cancer.”
“But what Lee Jr said is right. If you can’t make those health claims, neither can your competitors.”
“Not exactly, this is the greatest advertising opportunity since the invention of cereal. We have 6 identical companies making 6 identical products. We can say anything we want. How do you make your cigarettes?”
“There you go. There you go.”
“No, everybody else’s tobacco is poisonous. Lucky Strike’s is toasted.”
“Advertising is based on 1 thing: happiness. And you know what happiness is? It’s the smell of a new car, it’s freedom from fear. It’s a billboard, on the side of the road, that screams with reassurance that whatever you’re doing is OK. You are OK.”
“For the record, I pulled it out of thin air, so thank you up there.”
“I don’t know, uh, bunting and babies, that’s hard work. I’d make a hash of it.”
“Could you be a little more specific, honey?”
“Thank you, boys, I appreciate it.”
“I love to come through.”
“Haven’t you had enough of my magic for one day?”
“You’re a whore.”
“Peggy, would you get us a little more ice?”
“Just a minute. Fellas, I think this party is gonna have to move elsewhere.”
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe next time.”
“If Greta’s research was any good, I would have used it.”
“I’m saying, I had a report just like that, and it’s not like there’s some magic machine that makes identical copies of things.”
“Have a great night, Pete, congratulations.”
“Fear stimulates my imagination.”
“First of all, Peggy, I’m your boss, not your boyfriend. Second of all, you ever let Pete Campbell go through my trash again and you won’t be able to find a job selling sandwiches in Penn Station.”
“Of course not. Go home, put your curlers in, we’ll get a fresh start tomorrow. Oh, and Peggy, I need you to place a call.”
“That is quite a drink.”
“I shouldn’t have lost my temper and I certainly shouldn’t have treated you like anything less than a client.”
“So you understand?”
“Well, I’m not really as bad as all that. I was under a lot of pressure. Another account. It doesn’t really matter.”
“So, without making things worse, can I ask you a personal question?”
“Why aren’t you married?”
“Well, it’s just that you’re a beautiful, educated woman, don’t you think that getting married and having a family would make you happier than all the headaches that go along with fighting people like me?”
“So that’s it, you won’t get married because you find business to be a thrill.”
“She won’t get married because she’s never been in love. I think I wrote that and used it to sell nylons.”
“Oh you mean love, you mean big lightning bolt through the heart where you can’t eat and you can’t work and you just run of and get married and make babies. The reason you haven’t felt it is because it doesn’t exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons.”
“Pretty sure about it. You’re born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts, but I never forget. I’m living like there’s no tomorrow because there isn’t one.”
“Excuse me?”
“I don’t know if that’s true. You want another drink?”
“So I guess we’ll be seeing each other again.”
“I’d like that.”
“I didn’t want to bother you.”
“I’m not.”
“I’ll be right back, don’t move.”
Continue reading “Everything Don Draper Said Season 1”

Everything Don Draper Said Season 1

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 2

Last week was Season 1 and a couple months ago was Season 3. And now, I give you, Everything Tracy Jordan Said in season 2 of 30 Rock.

These are submitted without context, which some people seem to like and others, not so much. There’s a big internet out there, though, so if you don’t like it, I’m sure there’s something else for you.

Episode 1
-Yo, Ken, I’m’a use this whole the kitchen area as my bathroom, spread the word.
Wearwolf Bar Mitzvah
-She froze my credit cards, Liz Lemon, and she got custody of Griz. Can I keep my cockatiel in your office?

-Pop. What? I’m not apologizing, ‘cuz for once in my life I haven’t done anything wrong. How many years have you known me, Liz Lemon?

-So you know I like to minister to transvestite prostitutes.

-So Labor Day weekend I see this young she-dude at the dumpster by the 40/40. I pull over and I say you don’t have to live your life like this. You can be a freaky-deaky and do data entry. What about court reporting? Believe in yourself.

-So as I reach in the trash and pull this dude out, a paparazzo jumps out and takes a picture of me.

-Whose gonna do my banking? Whose gonna write my blogs? Whose gonna do the cooking on Taco Wednesdays?

-So he’s like my office wife?

-Kenneth Parcell, would you take this ring…and sell it in the Jewish part of midtown and use the money to get us a Nintendo Wii?

-I couldn’t sleep at all last night. Angie kept my Sharper Image white noise aroma therapy machine. She knows I can’t sleep without the sound of ocean and the smell of bacon.

-I’m not doing any of that.

-Great compromise, office wife.

-Liz Lemon, I need you to go my and pretend you’re doing a survey for the Radford Group and then ask my wife if she’s sleeping with DL Hugley.


-What’s up? Liz Lemon, me and this dude used to do stand up together. Remember the night we had the threeway with Elaine Boosler, haha?

-Oh yeah, you know what? I think that was a mirror.

-JS, this is my Kenneth.

-Mad at you, Ken, I seen the way you was looking at Seinfeld. You used to look at me like that. What, am I not a big enough star for you anymore?

-Oh no! Did a Korean person die?

-Don’t do it, Liz Lemon. I know what me and Kenneth have looks perfect on the outside, but it’s work, damn it. It’s work.

Episode 2
-Yo, Ken. Angie and Griz is coming by to drop some of my stuff off.

-Yeah, but I want her to know that I’m having a good time on my own, so you should go get us some party hats. The pointy kind.

-No, cuz things have been said that cannot be taken back. She called my vanity license plate inscrutable! ICU81MI. Hilarious! Angie is in the past like Dracula and broadcast television.

-What, who?! That guy Mike that redid our driveway?… Nah, whatever. She should find someone new. Doesn’t bother me!

-Oh.. Check this out. My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mm. Look at this, my gold record from that novelty party song. ‘Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.’

-Yeah, I miss you, Griz.

-Hey, Ken!

-I only got 11-12 hour sleep last night. I got something on my mind grapes I need to talk to you about.

-I saw you hitting on Angie the other day. Seeing you with her. It opened my eyes.

-Yeah. All those years fooling around wasn’t fair to her. So you gotta make it fair! I want you to go to my house and make love to my wife, Ken.

-My home address is in the GPS under ‘Da Crib ‘cuz we live on Dacrib Avenue. Now you go to Angie…And you make sure you pleasure her.

-What have I done? Kenneth should be back by now. What’s going on over at my house? Ugh. No. No. Eww. I gotta stop this.

-I’m gonna kill you, Kenneth the page.

-It was a gesture, Angie. I’m saying I’m sorry.

-But, baby.

-What do you want? I’m willing to try anything.

-Alright. If that’s what it takes. If that’s what it takes.
Continue reading “Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 2”

Everything Tracy Jordan Said Season 2