On August 13th, both The Expendables and Eat, Pray, Love come out in theaters. The Monocular Group made a trailer for The Expendables to remind you what will happen if Eat, Pray, Love wins the weekend. “You will see this movie. Not off your torrents. In a fucking theater. Where violence belongs.”
Crappy movies
Sharktopus
We seriously didn’t get enough craptastic shark/octopus action in Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus? We need Sharktopus? I don’t think so SyFy. Of course I’ll watch it, but it has as much of a chance of being good as the St. Louis Rams.
Note: This movie has the rare distinction of earning the Unlikely Words “Crappy Movies” tag before I’ve even seen it.
Boondock Saints II? Seriously?
I can’t believe they’re making a Boondock Saints II seeing as how Boondock Saints is the movie I most often cite as worst movie I’ve ever seen. I also had no idea the writer/director was such an epic douche. I guess he gets points for being from Boston, but wow. Even someone who liked the first Boondock Saints thinks the second one sucks.
The Punisher (2004) & The Punisher War Zone (2008)
Both of these moves were awful, and I’m offended Marvel hasn’t put any effort into their best character. Also, I don’t think having these movies made means they can’t; there could always be a Hulk-style do over. War Zone was better, and I have no idea what John Travolta or Dominic West were doing near either of these projects.
Evan Almighty (2007)
Steve Carell shouldn’t make movies like this because they’re bad and they tarnish his image. I think I remember laughing, but not very much and not very hard. It couldn’t have been much worse.
Red Dawn Remake??
I had no idea there was going to be a remake of ‘Red Dawn’ starring Tom Cruise’s son. I bet it’s going to appallingly bad, and I also bet I’m going to watch the hell out of it.
No Reservations, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, Bridewars
These 3 movies were terrible, and for multiple high crimes against the viewer, including extreme character inconsistency, they will not be granted the 3 sentences each they would normally receive if they were just bad.
What Happens in Vegas (2008)
Shouldn’t Cameron Diaz have a better career than doing crappy movies like this? Shouldn’t Ashton Kutcher be doing better movies than this, too? That said, there were some surprisingly funny parts in this movie.
Penelope (2006)
What a shitty movie. The previews suggested it would be a quirky love story when really they ought to have portrayed it as a bizarre, crappy, wannabe cult, career ruining, paycheck. I guess I was wrong about Reese Witherspoon after Walk the Line and Christina Ricci, you should be ashamed of yourself.
AC’s Year in Review
It was a good year on Unlikely Words. In case you missed some or all of it, I went through the year and pulled out a few links to my favorite posts. Favorite is loose here and applies to something either I wrote or really enjoyed on the internets. What did you like this year?
In no real order…
A horse statue was vandalized in Saratoga Springs, Billy Ripken and Ken Griffey reminded me of how I spent the second half of the eighties and one summer after Sophomore year of college and Guns n’ Roses released an album leading to me telling 2 stories of my younger days.
I documented 12 cities that banned plastic bags, as well as the the 2008 Election and was PSYCHED this got linked by Kottke and Wonkette. Bill Simmons listed his favorite sports journalism and I found links to almost all of them as tons and tons of musicians told John McCain “Don’t Play My Song! and I compiled a list. I was hoping this would catch on, but, alas…
A seafood truck crashed in Worcester. Someone rented a refrigerated truck and the lobsters were sold all over town. Until they were discovered, seized and…dumped back into Boston Harbor, which seems like it could only happen in Worcester, the Paris of the Eighties.
World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks was my favorite book this year, Mad Men Season 1 my favorite TV show, and Eastern Promises my favorite movie. However, my favorite movie to talk about was the utterly horrible Unknown. It’s not unwatchable, though.
“Dodgers touch Colon for run in fourth” was my favorite headline of the year, while seeing Sir Ben Kingsley as Ian MacKaye was my favorite video. The Barack Brains T Shirt (Bad Brains logo/Barack) tied the Cry Celtic Green T-Shirt for garment of the year. And I got an iPhone.
A hawk attacked a girl at Fenway Park and I introduced the world to cold cut flavored jelly beans, which surprisingly elicited a prompt reaction from the inventor of Jelly Belly (see the comments). I continued hating sharks while Pat Matheny continued to hate Kenny G’s “Lame-ass, jive, pseudo bluesy, out-of-tune, noodling, wimped out, fucked up playing.â€
Eliot Spitzer banged a prostitute and I was there to flow chart it. I also created a recipe to make Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream at home, watched my street flood, enjoyed this article about getting stuck in an elevator, and found out BJ Upton’s BJ stands for Bossman Junior, which is just awesome.
And finally, my favorite picture of the year:
Happy New Year everyone, thanks for reading and see you next year.
