24 Season 6. Episode 1, 6 AM – 7 AM

I wonder if I should take it as a sign that I missed the first 2 episodes of the season last night? In life, it is important to have priorities and last night I had 53 of them that preempted me from watching ‘24’ beginning at 8:00. We could have started watching a bit late, but I’m not sure how that would be appropriate, especially for the first episode of the year. In any case, I’m watching them now, Monday afternoon, and will truly experience a ‘4 hour season premier’. It’s time to strap in.

This year, the blog will be a bit different. Instead of noting the real time, as in, the time it is when I’m watching the show, I’ll be noting Jack Bauer time, as in, the time it is IN the show. This will make it easier for people to follow along if they don’t watch the show between 9 and 10. Also, I’ll only be counting the deaths or various injuries caused by Jack Bauer and not deaths caused by other characters on the show. We’ll have to see how it goes, but I’m considering counting ‘similarities to the Bush administration.’ These popped up almost weekly last year, though something tells me the Wayne Palmer administration will be different. (Someone, at some point, will need to discuss the possibility of a middling administration aide becoming President 2 years after his brother left office, but that’s for another time. All we know is that in 6 years, ‘24’ has featured 2 more black Presidents than has the United States in 230 years.) I’ll continue to keep track of my prediction ratio, though I’m not sure if I’ll be making more outlandish predictions or fewer.

An aside: This weekend I came upon the first 4 episodes of ‘24’ posted online before having aired. I’m all for people being able to watch what they want when they want, but for real, if you’re going to watch early, you don’t need to go ruining it for the rest of us by telling us what happened. I read a comment that mentioned 2 things that happen/happened in the first 4 episodes. I don’t know if they do or not, but needless to say, I won’t be surprised IF they do. I care more deeply about one of the things than the other, and should they happen I’ll point it out. OK, let’s get on with it.

6:00: Here we go:

-Though no one has taken responsibility, signs point to Islamic militants attacking 11 cities in 11 weeks, the latest in San Antonio. 900 people have been killed.

-Oh, come on, Mr. Busdriver, you know by not picking him up, you’re going to create ANOTHER terrorist. That Arabic guy was probably never so happy to miss his bus.

-Concentration camps/ detention facilities? What’s the difference, right?

-Wayne! We knew you were the President, but it’s nice to see you.

-Oh, that guy Tom, the warmongerer neocon is the dork from Ally McBeal.

-Lincoln suspended habeas corpus, why won’t you?

-If you kill Assad, the attacks will stop? Really? How come? Everything we’ve been told about Islamic militants is that they don’t require a leader to function.

-Yeah! Morris is back, I was really hoping for that, but I couldn’t imagine it being a reality. This show is so ridiculous.

-And Gabe from Six Feet Under is Morris’ boss, Milo? Milo is a middle management name?

-The writers decided to make Chloe the Rhino a hottie this year, in case you missed it, they had Morris pretty much make a poster board about it as he rubbed her ass.

-Jack Bauer: “The President negotiated his release 2 days ago.”

-Good to see Chloe has as much consternation as usual.

6:07: Bill Buchannon and Curtis are picking Jack Bauer up from the airport. They couldn’t send a cab?

-Buchannon needs to sign the receipt for the Chinese guy, that figures. The Chinese wouldn’t want the US to claim that he never got here. At least now they have a tracking number, etc.

-Jack Bauer hasn’t spoken a word in 2 years, the first word he speaks will be a whisper.

6:10: $25 Million dollars AND Jack Bauer’s pelt. Abu Fayed wants his pound of flesh for what happened in Beiruit? Isn’t Kim Bauer a lot less valuable, I’m CERTAIN she’s not doing anything.

-Audrey first, Kim second. A man’s got to have priorities. I swear, if they make Jack Bauer sign something, I’ll freak.

-That’s nice, they have a make up mirror and shaving cream. Think they got the Gillette Fusion for him?

OK so we go to commercial and it’s 6:13, we come back and it’s…

6:19: What’d you expect, Bill? He’s been in a Chinese torture prison for 2 years… Guess that breakfast with what’s her name (Karen Hayes?) turned into something special in 2 years. She turned in to one of the good ones, huh?

-Nadia, hi, I’m Chloe, I’m a Rhino, you tell me stuff for which I don’t have clearance, or I’ll get you fired. I play hardball. Got it?

-Chloe knows Karen’s number by heart?

-“If we want these attacks to stop, Jack Bauer has to be sacrificed.” You know, it’s that type of thinking that got us in trouble in the first place. You got to think out of the box, Nadia!

-Does Morris have the clearance for this?

-How did Bill and Curtis know Jack’s clothing size wouldn’t have changed? AND, couldn’t they get him a tie?

-Why is Wayne speaking on a cell phone while sitting at his desk in the oval office? This is truly a mobile generation.

-You’re the President, Wayne, it doesn’t matter if you want to be in charge or not!

-This Ally McBeal, Tom, guy is such a wankering nincompoop. I hate him.

-Tom does what he wants, whether the President wants it or not. That’s not second guessing, it’s guessing after primary guesses have been made, by the President, his boss.

-“Plain English does not allow for the nuances that my job requires.” Wow, what a douche bag. I am definitely going to use this sentence in my career.

-I really wish they had given Jack Bauer a tie. That would have made this whole thing a little better. Or maybe a jacket.

-Jack Bauer is alive because he didn’t want to die for nothing. But he still whispers.

6:30: That woman just stood less than a foot from the TV and picked up the remote to shut the TV off. She couldn’t just press the power button?

-Ahmed’s dad just got arrested. And Kumar is Ahmed. People are excited about this.

-Stan the contractor is harassing Ahmed and Scott’s dad is going to handle it. This seems like an After School Special.

-I can’t believe that Ray is doing the right thing, he seemed like such a simp.

-Oh Ray, Ray, Ray, you know not what you do, you just brought a snake into your house.

-Morris has his own satellites? I KNEW I was excited about him being on the show again. What else can he do?

-Oh yeah, like one punch from a ninny terrorist is going to knock Jack Bauer out. HE JUST SPENT 20 MONTHS IN A CHINESE TORTURE PRISON. Give me a break.

-So Morris has his own satellites, but he’s not good enough to keep the pictures from being intercepted… Right. It just shows to go ya, Jack Bauer is the only TRULY perfect spy. Everyone else is only good enough to get into trouble.

-Is this going to get Chloe or Morris fired? Both?

-What the hell is that stuff connected to Fayed’s cell?
-Woah! Nadia speaks Arabic.

6: 52: Oh ho ho, “If these attacks don’t stop, there are people in this administration who are willing to tear up the Constitution in the name of National Security.” “The things that they’re talking about doing – this country will never recover.” More on this later.

-Oh, what the hell, let’s count torture scenes. 1.

-Assad is getting pushed out of the way because he’s too moderate for the cause. Fayed’s behind the attacks, not Assad!

-What did Fayed just stick into Jack Bauer’s back? A long pointy skewer? Yikes.

-So Jack Bauer stayed alive in China because he didn’t want to die for nothing, then he thought he was dying for something, now Fayed says he’s going to die for nothing again. That’s a hard life.

-Fayed should know that nothing invigorates Jack Bauer like being tortured. This is how Jack Bauer gets up in the morning.

6:58: Confirmation that Kumar is a terrorist. It’s a good thing, Kumar called when he did, I think that Jack Bauer’s trigger finger was about to get crushed.

-JBKC: 1. That was probably the grossest way Jack Bauer has ever killed anyone, wow. He kneed him in the balls and then bit his carotid artery.

-If Fayed is really the bad guy, why would Jack Bauer bother leaving that hideout until he got it bombed or killed Fayed himself? Because then we wouldn’t have a show!

24 Season 6. Episode 1, 6 AM – 7 AM

24, Episode 23 and 24: 5 AM – 7 AM

Last year, before watching Fox’s terrible drama “24”, I committed myself to documenting each episode with as much detail as possible. I complained, pointed out inadequacies, For reasons unknown, I never posted my running journal from the season finale. You will find it below.

For readers unfamiliar with my “24” posts: I never refer to Jack, Bauer, JB or Jackie, it’s always Jack Bauer. This is a sign of respect, fear, and mocking derision. Last year I counted the number of people killed by people besides Jack Bauer (NJBDs), the number of torture scenes, my prediction ratio, and the number of people knocked down by Jack Bauer (JBKDs). It’s too difficult to determine if Jack Bauer has killed someone or has simply knocked them out and thus any time someone is debilitated by Jack Bauer, it’s counted. In the coming year, I’m going to focus less on the metrics, and more on the constructive criticism. I’ll also try to include a few idiotic “24” links (Esquire:Feature Story:WHAT I’VE LEARNED: Jack Bauer). This one took 2 people to write? Amazing.

You may ask, “If you hate the show so much, why do you watch?” I have two answers, one altruistic and one exhibiting self weakness. I don’t know, I can’t help it. I watch so you don’t have to.

The “24” journal will be a weekly feature of Unlikely Words starting this Sunday and Monday night as we bang out 4 episodes in a hurry.

Without further adieu, last year’s finale.

Woah. In watching the scenes from last week, I realized that Bierko’s caravan was taken out by an “IED”. It seems Logan’s administration has issues with IEDs also! Another Bush parallel. Let’s get right into the finale.

8:02: That gas doesn’t last long, does it? And Bierko doesn’t seem to be wasting any time. Just so we’re all clear. The poisonous gas that can dissipate from a submarine in less than 3 minutes will totally destroy financial and population centers. This was also the same gas that killed about 12 people in a gigantic mall. The submarine must be porous.

8:05: Of course Christopher Henderson needs a gun. He needs to make up for himself.

8:06: There’s a survivor on the sub? Good thing they have Jonny Teenager on the sub. An inside man, that’s all Jack Bauer needs. Just give him a shot.

8:11: How is Officer Rooney talking without the guard hearing him? Jack Bauer can turn anyone into a killer as long as he’s got a radio. There’s a little Jack Bauer in all of us, apparently.

8:12: NJBD: 1 (Bad guy by Rooney). It didn’t go as planned, but it went well enough. Why was Jack Bauer so cavalier about shooting that guard? Didn’t that make noise?

8:13: JBKD: 1 (Bad guy). Jack Bauer should really take that machine gun.

8:17: JBKD: 1 (Bad guy). The way that guard was killed was unnecessarily dramatic. Did it need to be like that?

8:18: NJBD: 1 (CTU Agent). JBKD: 1 (Bad guy).

8:19: JBKD: 2 (Bierko and his buddy). It was clear from the very beginning of this show that the missile launch wasn’t going to be a big deal. “You were never going to let me go, were you?” “No.” And I wasn’t going to give you a loaded weapon, either. Something tells me Christopher Henderson would check his gun when he got it to make sure he got bullets. He probably would be able to tell by the weight of the gun how many bullets he had left. Jack Bauer would have been able to tell, and Christopher Henderson was his mentor. Jack Bauer just sentenced Christopher Henderson. Jack Bauer is judge. Jack Bauer is jury. Jack Bauer is executioner.

8:26: “He fired on me, I didn’t have a choice.” That’s a Jack Bauer euphemism. Bill Buchannon has heard that one before.

8:29: “There’s still Bauer to deal with.” This quotation will go down in history as the biggest understatement in history.

8:30: Come on, Mike. You know you’ve scene a body in the back of a Secret Service car before, you know what to do.

8:32: There’s nothing like the love and devotion of a good Secret Service man.

8:38: “This is a real mess, Jack.” Another understatement.

8:38: It’s exciting to consider the possibility of Jack Bauer torturing the sitting president.

8:40: Morris, eh? CHLOE’S EX-HUSBAND?! WOAH, WOAH, WOAH. I didn’t think “24” could surprise me anymore. Stop wasting Morris’s charm, Chloe. Amazing. I’m back on board. Just when I thought I was done with the show, they introduce a new character with about an hour left in the season finale. Bold.

8:50: Give the First Lady an Emmy. She is the best actress of all time! If you can’t keep him in the city with your heart, use your sex. How many times have this President and this First Lady had sex during this administration? 3, 4 times? No one responds to language like, “You’re the President” like Charles Logan. They’re going to have to delay the flight, but we all know Charles Logan will be ready in 3 or 4 minutes. After showering of course.

Morris O’Brian is the best new character on TV. Morris, Curtis, and Pierce. That’s “24” next year!

This is interesting… We’re not really in suspense anymore. But this is interesting because the writers are telling us that having a corrupt president is worse than any terrorist attack. I would agree. These writers are angry leftist bloggers, that’s the only thing that’s certain.

9:02: JBKD: 1 (Navy Pilot).

9:03: Can Jack Bauer fly a helicopter? I mean. Of course he can, but does he know if he can?

9:05: Again. AGAIN! The First Lady can get anything she wants just by playing to Charles Logan’s need for praise.

9:06: JBKD: 2 (Secret Service detail). Doesn’t say a whole lot for the protection offered by the Secret Service.

9:07: No one has ever been more surprised than Charles Logan or more afraid. I’m not willing to believe that the Navy pilot wouldn’t have some sort of recourse. Otherwise presidents would be getting kidnapped over and over again.

9:09: JBKD: 1 (The other Navy pilot).

9:10: The Charles Logan we’ve been watching for 23 hours would roll over in a second to save himself. He wouldn’t stop blabbering until they stuck a sock in his mouth. Do Jack Bauer and Morris O’Brian remember each other from company picnics and happy hours?

9:16: Charles Logan is tougher than Walt Cummings? I don’t think so. They’ve never reconciled the fact that President Logan was involved in whatever Walt Cummings was working on and President Logan pretended not to know Walt was involved. Though they almost certainly would have bumped into each other at planning committee meetings.

9:20: The President and Jack Bauer are playing chicken to see who has less to lose.

9:21: Jack Bauer just blinked. What the F. It’s probably the handcuffs or phone or pen. They’ve got microphones and the President is about to tell all. Just wait. Or maybe that’s too obvious?

9:28: Good shot of streaming Fox News on a Sprint phone. Someone just got a bonus.

9:29: Woah! I thought he loved her, and then he goes and hits her? Crap.

9:30: He’s not so stupid. Charles Logan knows his wife doesn’t love him anymore. I think he’s digging his own grave now. Admit it, Charles. She’s leading him on. This is awesome. Keep going. More, more, more. What happens in the presidential compound stays in the presidential compound! Or does it?

9:38: This seems to bring in the NSA wiretapping scandal (again?) with the Attorney General unwilling to even listen to the tape.

9:43: Where did Jack Bauer get those bumps on his head?

9:45: It did seem strange that the phone call was on the landline and couldn’t get patched through to the cell. But how is this all going to end? Maybe next year is the Curtis show!

9:50: I wonder if Buchannon is going to ask Karen Myers to dinner? HAHAHA YES, HE IS! Sweet. Or breakfast.

9:51: Morris O’Brian is charming…

9:53: The Chinese. Of course. We should have known.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. I really don’t agree with the carry over from year to year. Especially because the last time it happened (when David shook hands with poison) I don’t remember anything coming of it except some strange scarring. I can’t remember what season that was (the 2nd to 3rd?), though, so maybe I’m crazy.

This concludes the “24” journaling project. I hope you enjoyed some part of the around 16,000 words I wrote on the subject over the last 20 some odd weeks.

Total for tonight, 9 JBKCs, 0 tortures, 2 NJBDs, Prediction Ratio N/A

Totals for the season, 46 JBKCs, 5 tortures, 150 NJBDs, Prediction Ratio 45% (5 out of 11)

24, Episode 23 and 24: 5 AM – 7 AM

Smoothie Season is Upon Us!

For those of you who know me, it won’t come as much of a surprise, but smoothie season is here again. Tonight I bought all the ingredients for a week’s worth of smoothies, and almost instantaneously my diet will be more than 26 times better per day. Literally. I went from eating about 4 pieces of fruit a month to about 3.5 servings a day.

The best morning smoothie recipe (Serves 2):
2 bananas
Half a pound of frozen strawberries
4 ounces frozen raspberries
3-6 ounces frozen blueberries
Some orange juice
In this order, put bananas, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries. Pour OJ into blender until it comes 2/3 of the way up to the strawberries. (More OJ will make the smoothie thinner, less will make it thicker). Blend. When a cyclone starts in the middle of the smoothie, it is perfectly blended. Pour smoothies, rinse pitcher, repeat.

Dessert smoothie recipe (Serves 2):
1 banana
Half a pound of frozen raspberries
4 ounces frozen strawberries
2 ounces frozen blueberries
Even less orange juice
Chocolate chips
This smoothie is created about the same as the breakfast smoothie, but it’s got a higher raspberry percentage. Mix the smoothie and pour half into each cup. Put a layer of chocolate chips into each cup and pour the rest of the smoothie. Top of with a few chocolate chips. This smoothie is not only tasty, but fun to eat also. The chocolate chips add a little texture and activity to the normally docile smoothie.

Other things I’ve learned about smoothies:
The trade off between fresh fruit and frozen fruit is with the frozen stuff, you don’t need to water your smoothie down with ice. More tang for the buck.

Chocolate syrup is a good add-in for giving a regular smoothie a little kick.

Milk works instead of OJ if you want it to be even creamier.

The creamiest smoothie can be had by adding a big dollop of plain or vanilla yogurt to either of the recipes above. This is how JR likes it, but since I do all of the smoothie cheffing, I make the rules, and she gets yogurt only on special mornings.

Blackberries are the lowest of all suitable smoothie berries. They’re cheap, sweet, and give the smoothie a dark purple color, but the seeds are giant and always get stuck in your teeth.

Smoothie Season is Upon Us!