24: Episode 1, 7 AM – 8 AM

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James Brown, a football analyst, just introduced “arguably the most exciting” program on TV. Who argues this?

I’m going to journal it. Why? I don’t know. No one will read this, and I’m going to stop by week 4. At least this will give me a reason to watch. There’s nothing else redeeming about this show. I reserve the right to make up rules and statistics as I go along. I’m going to track the number of people that die by Jack Bauer’s hand, the number of people who are tortured, and the number of my predictions that turn out to be correct. I may add trackable items as I go along, so bear with me.

8:13: Jack Bauer died at the end of last year, or did he? He didn’t. 7 AM in “24 time”. That means there will be another conclusion in 20 weeks when most of the city is asleep.
8:16: Repeat characters this year? President Logan, President David Palmer and his brother.
8:18: Woah, David Palmer is down. Of course Jack Bauer could get up from that in 25 minutes, as long as someone needed torturing.
8:18: Repeat character, Mike Novick is back.
8:20: Did we ever find out if the president from last year died? It seems like most of last year’s cast is back so I’m going to stop tracking repeating characters. What’s wrong with this Russian Treaty? Who wants to stop it? Arms dealers or major gun companies? Both? President Logan just referenced his “political capital”.
8:22: Chloe gets guys? I don’t think so. A newer, softer Chloe this year? I hope she doesn’t make it through the entire season.
8:24: Jack Bauer hasn’t loosened up even though he’s supposed to be dead? What’s with the gun? I would have thought Jack Bauer/Frank Flynn would kill anyone who doesn’t drink OJ out of a glass. Chuck Norris would.
8:27: Tony and Michelle fighting again, all year? One can only hope. Tony is putting his capitalist dream before his duty to the country?
8:28: Now he doesn’t have a choice, Car bomb!
8:33: Edgar looks bigger this year. Is that Jon Favreau? He’s warning Chloe. She seems to have transformed from a desk jockey to a super agent. I guess all you need to be on 24 is a sixth sense! And Jack Bauer’s telephone number. Jack Bauer has a Go Bag and he’s not afraid to use it.
8:38: Audrey is back, this could cause a conflict between Jack Bauer and his new lady. Now all we need is Jack Bauer’s squeeze from the 2nd season. Also, let’s get Nina Myers back, too, Jack Bauer I don’t know if Jack Bauer got enough closure for him to be over that relationship.
8:39: I think the First Lady might be insane. She was right, though, she did look like a wedding cake. Yup, definitely insane. And people were critical of the way Hilary looked, wait until they get a load of Martha Logan. It’s too bad they couldn’t get someone like Stockard Channing to play THEIR First Lady.
8:48: Jack Bauer can spot any sign of someone following him, but not when its the disgruntled son of his new lover. He must have an invisible cloak. This kid is probably going to get hurt, especially now that Jack Bauer is involving his new love. “Get in the car and start driving towards Los Angeles”, straight to Audrey and my past. Jack Bauer knockout count: 1 (Helicopter Pilot)
8:53: You know what? I’d love for Mike Logan to say definitively to Walt that his wife was delusionally placing herself in the middle of a conspiracy theory and actually be right. It would at least keep it interesting. We’ve already seen this “crazy character with important information not being listened to” in about 400 different movies and TV shows over the years. We knew this, but 24 is no longer exciting or fresh.
9:00: Didn’t they change some things after 9/11 to make helicopters and airplanes harder to steal? Shouldn’t the air force have arrived by now?
9:02: Because all rescue helicopters keep their smoke bombs in the same place.
9:03: Jack Bauer death count: 2. (Bald bad guy)
9:04: I was going to try to definitively track the number of people JB killed and those he knocked out. I realized, however, that I’m not going to be able to really count how many people Jack Bauer kills and how many he knocked out. And how do you count people that Jack Bauer knocks out who later die from injuries sustained by an interaction with Jack Bauer? Instead, I’m going to refer to both knock outs and killings as knockdowns. I will call these JBKCs. JBKC: 3 (Bad Guy in Car)
9:06: JBKC: 4 (Palmer Assassin who was surprisingly chatty).
Final Thoughts:
4 JBKCs, no torture. That’s it, folks, first episode is over. No scenes from next week, as next week is right now. What did we learn? Jack Bauer is going to be considered, at some point in the coming episode, to be the main target in the Palmer assassination investigation.

Totals for the season, 7 JBKCs, 1 torture.

24: Episode 1, 7 AM – 8 AM