Empathetic voter story generator

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Mitt Romney did a great job pretending to be empathetic at the first Presidential debate on Wednesday night, what with the stories about voters coming up to him and telling him sad things. His empathy program sure got an update in time. Well, there’s about a month left in the election and I figured Mitt would need some help conjuring up some more empathetic stories of voters for the debate. If necessary, he can come here and get a couple to use for later.

      var putput = function() {
        $(“#bestvoter”).hide();
        var fields = {
          names: [“Adam”, “Bill”, “David”, “Stephanie”, “Madison”, “Freddy”, “Joey”, “Anita”, “Nicole”, “Heather”, “Ethel”, “Beth”, “Beverly”, “Mickey”, “Brad”, “Clarence”, “Brenda”, “Bonnie”, “Stella”, “Theresa”],
          jobs: [“actor”, “bus driver”, “machine worker”, “teacher”, “truck driver”, “cop”, “stripper”, “banker”, “barista”, “sports league owner”, “mechanic”, “construction worker”, “podcaster”, “blogger”, “professor”, “new media enthusiast”, “bad accountant”],
          places: [“Scranton”, “Akron”, “Cincinnati”, “Worcester”, “Tempe”, “Phoenix”, “Cleveland”, “Dayton”, “Columbus”, “Nashua”, “Harrisburg”, “Orange County”, “Des Moines”, “Lexington, KY”, “Covington, KY”, “Reno”, “Springfield”, “Kansas City”, “Bloomington”, “Akron”, “Danvers”, “San Luis Obispo”, “Santa Fe”, “Pecos”, “Lubbock”, “Fort Smith”, “Tulsa”, “Macon”, “Biloxi”, “Mobile”, “Tampa”, “Orlando”, “a small town I can’t remember the name of”],
          first_facts: [“put hands on me”, “touched my arm”, “touched my arm and then my leg”, “tried to kiss me”, “hugged me”, “did not kneel before me”, “gave me some of their soda pop”, “called soda, ‘pop'”, “asked me for a job”, “gave me a belt”, “gave me a casserole”, “hurt my hand with their vice-like grip”, “shook my hand”, “reached for my arm”, “grabbed my elbow”],
          second_facts: [“I smell like Tuesday”, “Big Bird is gay”, “no”, “they lost their job to Big Bird”, “they were fired for stealing stuff”, “they never learned how to read”, “no, just no”, “I should try parting my hair the other way”, “times are tough”, “they are cheating on their spouse”, “lighting the candle at both ends”, “they loved Godfather 3”, “I looked whiter in real life”, “my laugh sucks”, “I don’t have compassion eyes”, “they really, really, really liked my name”, “they don’t care about fact checkers either”, “they would fire Big Bird, too”, “their underpants were on backward”, “their favorite color is 12:30”, “I can get it if I want it”, “they didn’t like the 47% either”, “they had a secret, but they could only show me”, “they heard the voices I hear”]
        };
        var rand = function(x){return x[Math.floor(Math.random()*x.length)];};

        var name = rand(fields[‘names’]),
            job = rand(fields[‘jobs’]),
            place = rand(fields[‘places’]),
            fact1 = rand(fields[‘first_facts’]),
            fact2 = rand(fields[‘second_facts’]);

        var result = “The other day, I met a ” + job + ” from ” + place + ” named ” + name + “, who ” + fact1 + ” and told me ” + fact2 + “.”;

        $(“#bestvoter”).html(result);
        $(“#bestvoter”).fadeIn(“fast”);
      };

Click “Generate a voter story” if you need an empathetic voter story of your own. 

Generate a voter story!

Empathetic voter story generator

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