Everything Hurley Said Season 5

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Here’s hurleyEverything Hurley Said from Season 5 of Lost. Originally, Hurley’s character seemed to be only for comic relief, but by Season 5, he’s definitely become a solid member of the cast, and a big part of the story. There were 3 episodes he wasn’t in at all, and I left those in so you could follow along if you wanted. If you like this, you might like Everything Sawyer Said, Everything Locke Said, Everything Don Draper Said or Everything Tracy Jordan Said. As always, these are submitted without context, so it might not be your thing, but if you want to get a good idea of Hurley’s character, I’d start here.

Lost fans, you should subscribe to 815 Sentences About Lost, a project of mine which is launching next week.

Episode 1
“Here she comes, right now.”
“Awesome. You want a fry?”
“You know maybe if you ate more comfort food, you wouldn’t have to go around shooting people.”
“So that you popped outside Santa Rosa, who was he?”
“You think he was going to kill me?”
“You mean Locke?”
“I need a cool code name.”
“So when did you become so paranoid?”
“Oh, yeah? Paranoid like what? What kind of things?”
“Wait, he’s on our side now?”
“Sayid! Woah. You OK? Dude, dude. Oh, man. I thought this was supposed to be a safe house. We never should have left that island.”

Episode 2.
“Dude, they’ll find out.”
“I don’t think we should lie, dude.”
“How’s lying protect them?”
“Look, he’s your dad, right? Can’t you just, like, call him off?”
“But, he’ll never find them. I mean, the island disappeared. We all saw it. It’s gone. Bloop.”
“Not if someone backs me up. Sayid, come on. They’ll think I’m nuts if I tell the truth, but what if we all do? And if we can stick together, we can make them believe us. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lying, do you?”
“You know what, dude? I’m gonna remember this. And someday you’re gonna need my help and I’m telling you right now. You’re not getting it.”
“Wake up, Sayid. Sayid. Sayid, Wake up! Sayid!”
“No, no, no, no, what do I do? What am I supposed to do?”
“OK, OK, OK, just stay calm.”
“I just, I thought…”
“Actually it’s ketchup. We went to a drive through, and uh…”
“I do?”
“Thanks, Analucia.”
“Well, you heard her.”
“Dude, wake up. Come on, I can’t do this on my own.”
“I promise to pay you back.”
“Wait right here.”
“I like Shitzhus.”
“I just have one of those faces.”
“I don’t believe in lying.”
“No. Must look like him.”
“Sorry, wrong dude, keep the change.”
“OK. OK, we’re out of here.”
“Hey, dad. How’s it going?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“Uh, yeah, kinda. Is mom here?”
“Is he breathing?”
“He got shot by a dart.”
“No, we were at the safe house.”
“Sayid took me there, to protect me, and then these 2 guys jumped down and they shot him with darts and now he’s in a coma or something.”
“Sayid pulled me out. I’m in danger, we both are.”
“I’m not sure exactly.”
“Dad, please, just don’t tell them I’m here.”
“No. Sayid did.”
“He saved me.”
“No, no, no. We can’t go public, they’re after us.”
“I don’t know. Sayid knows, he can explain.”
“Did you not hear me? People are trying to kill us. You go to a hospital, they’ll find us. It’s like, like the Godfather. It’s the last place you go, everyone knows it. They smother you with pillows and make it look like an accident. Sayid, please wake up!”
“I think I know what to do.”
“Dude, the cops are on a stakeout?”
“Do you think I am?”
“I’m not crazy. And I have a really good reason why I’m lying to you.”
“He’s not dead, ma.”
“He’s not?!”
“He is breathing, kind of. Dad, we gotta go now.”
“Mom, please.”
“Yeah, mom, I know. Look, everything’s gonna make sense, I promise.”
“He is my friend. But he’s also got this crazy double life where he does ninja moves and spy stuff. But he’s a good guy.”
“I don’t know.”
“We lied, ma.”
“All of us. The Oceanic 6, we lied about what happened after the crash.”
“OK. You see, we did crash, but it was on this crazy island. And we waited for rescue, but there wasn’t any rescue. And then there was a smoke monster. And then there were other people on the island. We called them, the others. And they started attacking us. And we found some hatches and there was a button you had to push every 108 minutes or, well, I was never really clear on that. But, the others didn’t have anything to do with the hatches, that was the Dharma Initiative. They were all dead, the others killed them. And now they were trying to kill us. Then we teamed up with the others because some worse people were coming on a freighter. Desmond’s girlfriend’s father sent them to kill us. So we stole their helicopter and we flew it to their freighter, but it blew up. And we couldn’t go back to the island, because it disappeared. So then we crashed into the ocean, and we floated there for a while ’til a boat came and picked us up. And by then, there were 6 of us. That part was true. But the rest, but the rest of the people who were on the plane, they’re still on that island.”
“A lot of people died, ma. And now this bad stuff is happening because, well… We shouldn’t have lied.”
“Get away from me. Get away.”
“No way, dude. Sayid warned me about you.”
“No. You’re playing one of your mind games. They’d never trust you.”
“And what’s that.”
“Never, dude.”
“Hey, hey, you got me. That’s right, you got me. That’s right, I’m the killer.”
“I’m the killer. I’m a murderer, I killed four people. Three people. However many are dead, I killed them. I killed them all. Just, just get me away from here.”
“Just get me out of here.”

Episode 3

Episode 4
“Jack? It’s me.”
“Hey, did Sayid get to you? Did my dad drop him off?”
“Is he okay?”
“Dude, I’m totally cool. I’m in L.A. County lockup. Oh, and tell Sayid I did exactly what he said. I’m totally safe. Ben’s never gonna get me now. Thanks, dude.”

Episode 5

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Episode 6
“Help. Anyone. Help. Help, Jack! Help! Anyone! Help! Help! Help! Help!”
“Aah. Oh, God. Oh, God.”
“Oh, my God.”
“Oh. Oh, my God. It really happened.”
“What do you mean standby? There’s no standbys.”
“No. I bought those seats, all 78 of ’em. I’m Hugo Reyes. They’re not open. They’re mine. Check and see.”
“You know, it doesn’t matter why. They can take the next plane.”
“All that matters is that I’m here, right?”
“Okay, then. Let’s do this. After you.”
“Wait! What’s he doing here?”
“No, no. He can’t come.”
“No one told me he was gonna be here.”
“Yes, Jack. I’ll be fine.”
“Dude, you might wanna fasten your seat belt.”
“Crashing? No. One second, I’m being tossed around. The next thing I know, I’m in the lagoon.”

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Episode 7
“So you didn’t make it, huh?”
“You didn’t make it. It’s cool. No biggie. You’re not the first person to visit me, you know. But what’s up with the wheelchair?”
“Oh. Is that how you died?”
“Sure you’re not.”
“Hey, Susie, am I talking to a dude in a wheelchair right now?”
“Whoa, dude. What are you doing here?”
“Wait. What?”
“You mean Jack and Kate…”
“I’m sorry, dude. I don’t think that’s gonna happen. Jack’s a doctor now, and, and Sun’s, like, got her baby, and Kate’s got Aaron. Dude, be cool. Don’t look, but we’re being watched. Dude!”
“That dude is far from okay. When I first got locked up in here, he showed up, claiming that he worked for Oceanic Air. He’s evil! You should not be trusting that guy.”
“No, no, no! I’m not listening to you!”
“La, la, la, la, la. I wanna go back in. I wanna go back in.”

Episode 8
“Dude… you might wanna fasten your seat belt.”
“You’re alive. Dude! I can’t believe it! Oh! Oh!”
“Kong. I actually missed that.”
“So what’s up with you guys and the old DHARMA jumpsuits?”
“Uh, what?”
“Dude, your English is awesome.”
“What about everyone else from the plane? They could still be out there.”
“Sawyer’s back!”
“I vote for not camping.”
“Okay, so it’s 1977.”
“And you guys are all members of the DHARMA Initiative.”
“Well, you do realize those dudes get wiped out, right? I saw where all the bodies got dumped.”
“Well, aren’t you gonna warn ’em? Aren’t you gonna stop it from happening?”
“What if they start asking us questions we can’t answer, like, uh, who’s president in 1977?”
“I guess we found Sayid.”

Episode 10
“Fresh off the griddle. And don’t forget to try the dipping sauces. They really bring out the ham.”
“So, what’s going on with Sayid?”
“And you’re going to?”
“Well, if Sawyer didn’t tell you anything, why would Juliet?”
“‘Cause they’re together.”
“Together as… They live together. Like, not as roommates. You know, together like you guys were. I thought it was kind of obvious. I mean, who couldn’t see that coming?”
“Well, I guess I better, go make some more waffles.”

Episode 11
“Uh, is he talking about Sayid?”
“Checking to see if I’m disappearing”.
“”Back to the Future,” man. We came back in time to the island and changed stuff. So if little Ben dies, he’ll never grow up to be big Ben, who’s the one who made us come back here in the first place. Which means we can’t be here. And therefore, dude? We don’t exist.”
“Am I?”
“This is really confusing.”
“Let me get this straight. All this already happened.”
“So this conversation we’re having right now, we already had it.”
“Then what am I gonna say next?”
“Ha’! Then your theory is wrong.”
“OK, answer me this. If all this already happened to me, then, why don’t I remember any of it?”
“Say that again.”
“Aha! I can’t shoot you. Because if you die in 1977, then you’ll never come back to the island on the freighter 30 years from now.”
“But you said Ben couldn’t die because he still has to grow up and become the leader of the Others.”
“But when we first captured Ben, and Sayid, like, tortured him, then why wouldn’t he remember getting shot by that same guy when he was a kid?”
“Is he in trouble?”

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Episode 12

Episode 13
“Nah, dude, I just signed it out.”
“Well, where you going?”
“Me too. I made lunch for the crew. Sandwiches. Want one? Ham and cheese, and I made my secret garlic mayo.”
“Why? We’re going to the same place. Why don’t we carpool? It’ll help with global warming, which hasn’t happened yet, so maybe we can prevent it. Wait a sec. Are you on some kind of secret mission?”
“How do you spell bounty hunter?”
“It’s personal.”
“Dude, Did you just, you know?”
“You know. It stinks. Did you?”
“Well, it wasn’t me.”
“Nah, man, there’s something foul in here. It’s coming from back there.”
“Unh uh. That’s not possible.”
“Okay, maybe it is possible. Pull over. I gotta check.”
“I gotta check. If those sandwiches are bad, people could get sick.”
“Will you pull over?”
“Dude, there’s a body bag back here. With a body in it.”
“Yeah, well, who is he? What happened?”
“Dude, what happened to him?”
“How does a filling get blown through someone’s head?”
“How do you know all this?”
“Yeah, but how do you know what he was thinking?”
“You can talk to dead people.”
“Don’t worry, dude. Your secret’s safe with me. You wanna know why?”
“‘Cause I can talk to ’em, too.”
“I don’t know why you just won’t admit it. You can trust me. I talk to lots of dead people.”
“Sure, all the time. Sometimes we even play chess.”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”
“Aha! You wouldn’t know how it works unless you can do it.”
“That’s how it works for me.”
“You’re just jealous my powers are better than yours.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone about the body.”
“Dude. I can keep a secret.”
“I like the kitchen.”
“Dude, that guy’s a total douche.”
“So anyway.”
“Are you kidding me? How weird is it that your dad is that dude from all those movies? Only back then, he was called Marvin Candle. Was that, like, a stage name?”
“Well, if you didn’t want to talk about it, why’d you tell me? How long have you known he was your dad?”
“But all those DHARMA dudes end up dead. Don’t you wanna save him?”
“Polar bear poop. Got it.”
“So I’m new here, Dr. Chang. What is it exactly you do at the Orchid?”
“Oh, really? You can’t tell anyone? Not even your wife?”
“What about your kids?”
“3 months? Wow! Congrats. What’s his name?”
“Small world, that’s your name, too. Right, Miles?”
“So are you a fan of jazz, Dr. Chang? Like Miles Davis?”
“So you two have been here for three years now. Must be pretty tight, huh?”
“Great. We should all get together for a beer sometime. How awesome would that be?”
“Dude, what is this place? And what’s up with all the secrecy?”
“‘Cause they’re building our hatch.”
“The one that crashed our plane.”
“That hatch they’re building? There’s gonna be an accident, then they’re gonna have to build a computer with a button you have to push so the world doesn’t end.”
“So your dad is he around you know, when we came from? The future?”
“Well, then this is kind of awesome for you, huh?”
“Because you get to hang out with him, you know, get to know him better and stuff.”
“And don’t bother thanking me, but he was totally down for that beer, dude. You know, and maybe he’ll let you hold baby you, or you can change your own diaper or…”
“Why not? Did he beat you up when you were little or something?”
“‘Cause you’re in pain and you need to let it out.”
“But he’s not gone. We just dropped him off.”
“Give that back to me.”
“It’s not a diary! It’s personal!”
“Give that, give that back to me.”
“Give it back!”
“It’s furry. Furry fist. I need a spell-check.”
“I’m writing Empire Strikes Back.”
“It’s 1977, right? So Stars Wars just came out. And pretty soon, George Lucas is gonna be looking for a sequel. I’ve seen Empire, like, 200 times, so I figured I’d make life easier and send him the script.. With a couple improvements.”
“Oh, yeah? Well, at least I’m not scared to talk to my own dad.”
“Sorry I said you were afraid to talk to your dad, dude.”
“I used to hate my dad, too.”
“He left when I was 10. But the best thing I ever did was give him a second chance. We got to be the best of friends, and although I may never see him again, I miss him. And I know he feels the same.”
“That was Luke’s attitude, too.”
“In Empire, Luke found out Vader was his father, but instead of putting away his lightsaber and talking about it, he overreacted and got his hand cut off. I mean, they worked it out eventually, but at what cost? Another Death Star was destroyed, Boba Fett got eaten by the Sarlacc, and we got the Ewoks. It all could’ve been avoided if they’d just, you know, communicated. And let’s face it, the Ewoks sucked, dude.”

Episode 14
“Well, that dude in the closet, I thought he worked for you. Can’t you convince him that it was all, like, a misunderstanding?”
“Yeah, me neither. After all we did to get back here? And now we’re just gonna run off again? It’d be kinda wishy-washy.”
“You guys were in 1954? Like, Fonzie times?”
“That’s not good, right?”

Episode 15
“So what’s the rescue plan?”
“But they got Sawyer and Juliet.”
“We gotta do something. I mean, Sawyer would never leave us behind.”
“But we asked you first.”
“Dude, that’s ridiculous.”
“Uh, 1931?”
“Yeah. Yes, I am.”
“There’s… no such thing.”
“Alright, dude, we’re from the future. Sorry.”
“Why is he yelling at her, dude?”
“Sorry, man.”
“Don’t worry. It’s gonna be okay. Sawyer always has a plan, right?”

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Episode 16
“What’s going on back there? Is Sayid okay?”
“Should I pull over?”
“I don’t know where we’re going.”
“Why do you want to go there? If Sayid’s shot, shouldn’t we…”
“The Swan it is.”
“Uh, we’re about five minutes away.”
“That’s why.”

“You don’t understand, this is a big mistake. I killed a bunch of people.”
“Look, dude, there are men with tranquilizer guns hunting me down like an animal. They wanna bring me somewhere against my will.”
“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t see it was taken, dude.”
“Cool. You sure?”
“You want some? It’s cherry.”
“So what were you in for?”
“Jail. I was there ’cause I killed three people. But I didn’t really. I guess they figured it out. What about you?”
“Well, then what were you doing sitting outside a prison? In a cab?”
“Oh. Then you must be dead.”
“Well, what do you want from me?”
“‘Cause I’m cursed.”
“Uh huh. That’s why the plane crashed, my friends died, Libby, Charlie. Now they visit me, and I can’t make it stop.”
“How do you mean blessed?”
“Sure it’s wonderful, except for the part where I’m crazy.”
“Who are you, dude?”
“Wait! You forgot your guitar.”
“Don’t worry, dude. Everything’ll be fine when Jack changes the future, or the past. One of those.”
“Dude, what happened to your face?”

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Everything Sawyer Said,
Everything Locke Said
Everything Don Draper Said
Everything Tracy Jordan Said.
815 Sentences About Lost

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Everything Hurley Said Season 5

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