I watched this on a bus. I can’t imagine anyone voluntarily watching this movie. I’m giving it one star because it is, technically, a motion picture.

The Astronaut Farmer is either (a) the worst movie ever made, or (b) a deeply mischievous dark comedy about a monstrously selfish man and the hell that his monomaniacal obsession puts his family through.

The best part? When his rocket fails hilariously the first time he tries to launch it. Ha! Ha ha ha. Ha. I was totally rooting for J. K. Simmons’s cartoonishly sinister FAA director. (Yes. That’s right. In this movie, the bad guy is the cartoonishly sinister FAA director played by J. K. Simmons. Virginia Madsen and Bruce Willis also manage to embarrass themselves in this movie.)

Whoever wrote it should seek professional help. It had everything! Comic relief from the FBI guys with bad mustaches, smirking government bureaucrats, and even that old hoary staple of lazy writers looking for a way to signify that it’s their protagonist against the world: the evil child protective services lady!

Sadly, Billy Bob Thornton’s character lives at the end (OMG! Spoiler alert!), despite the fact that his homemade space ship stops working when it, like, passes near a satellite? Or something? It wasn’t entirely clear, but somehow putting his wedding ring on made the radio work again.

To call this movie an insult to my intelligence would be an insult to insults to my intelligence. Even the title makes no sense! He’s not a farmer. He’s a rancher! Farmer’s his last name! Gahahsdafhasdfhadshfsdhfasdhfjlj hatesplosion.