A full-scale evacuation from a North Sea oil rig was sparked after a female employee apparently told colleagues of a dream she had about a bomb being on the platform.

Wait, that’s just too stupid. That can’t be true. Can it?

Police began an investigation after the evacuation of 161 of the more than 500 people on the Safe Scandinavia, a floating accommodation block that forms part of an oil installation 130 miles north of Aberdeen. Police were waiting to question the woman, 23, last night after she was detained by the rig’s manager and flown to the mainland.

Bomb disposal experts were placed on stand-by and up to a dozen RAF, coastguard and civilian helicopters scrambled to the rig after the decision to evacuate all personnel was taken by the operators at 9.20am. Police emphasised that the incident was “not considered terrorism-related”. By the time the alert was later declared a hoax, workers had been airlifted from the platform to two nearby rigs.

Dear God. That’s such a ludicrous over-reaction, I can’t quite believe it didn’t happen in this country. Wait, what’s that?

Kathy McGill, Britannia Operator’s managing director, said: “We are very relieved that this has turned out to be a false alarm, but we obviously had to treat it seriously.”

Really, Ms. McGill? You had to? Obviously? Obviously? Last night I dreamed I had a flying horse. Should I, obviously, go build a stable with a skylight and buy several bags of oats or whatever-the-fuck?


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