The Secret to a Successful Marriage

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To enjoy the following exchange you need to know the following background information: R— works for the university’s development office, raising money from reunion classes for the Annual Fund. Her officemate, J—, happens to be the officer responsible for my class.

Rachel: Do you know XXXXXXX XXXX? He was in your class.

me: Yes, he’s married to my ex-girlfriend.

Rachel: Who?

me: XXXX XXXX. Why?

Rachel: His mother is in the class of XXXX. I’m going to try to get a meeting with her and was trying to make a connection.

me: Huh. Well, I used to date her daughter-in-law, does that help?

Rachel: Maybe. Wanna solicit him for a donation?

me: Not really, no. I can’t remember how well we know each other, and “we’ve both seen your wife naked” isn’t that great a bonding line for fund-raising, methinks.

Rachel: Well, you never know until you try.

me: Plus, I never really saw her naked, so that’d be lying anyway.

Rachel: I was actually just about to ask that. I didn’t want to doubt your high school studliness, though.

me: Topless, baby. Aw yeah.

Rachel: J— suggests, though, that if you could sort of imply that you still have digital evidence of seeing his wife naked, perhaps you could get some blackmail-style gift to the Annual Fund.

me: Hmm. Well, this pre-dated digital cameras, remember. So I could type up, in some digital format, a prose description of XXXX‘s breasts, if that would help.

Rachel: Okay, that’s hilarious.

me: Not sure how good it would be for our relationship, but anything for the annual fund.

Rachel: “Our relationship” meaning yours and mine, or yours and XXXX‘s? Or yours and XXXXXXX‘s?

me: The former. Well, all of them.

Rachel: I guess it’s true that I don’t relish the idea of your painting a vivid word-picture of another woman’s “lovelies.”

me: I just want to point out that it is entirely your fault that I’m recalling her breasts at the moment, and not my fault at all.

Rachel: Hardly! You’re the one who jumped from “used to date her” to “saw her naked.”

me: Deny all you want.

Rachel: Well, I’m not threatened.

me: Good.

Rachel: You may picture other women’s breasts all you like, as long as the only ones you access in person are mine.

me: Woohoo! I’m printing this out, and attaching it, via Scotch tape, as an addendum to our ketubah.

The Secret to a Successful Marriage

0 thoughts on “The Secret to a Successful Marriage

  1. ac says:

    1. My Ketubah already has that clause included, no Scotch tape necessary.

    2. The Brown Office of Development: Just as corrupt as the GOP and not nearly as freeing of the slaves.


  2. kris says:

    Hah! Sadly, I can see how this conversation could happen in the Development world…we talk about scary, strange things in our universe, right, Rachel?

    Thanks for making the discussion public–totally made my day.


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