Last year, before watching Fox’s terrible drama “24”, I committed myself to documenting each episode with as much detail as possible. I complained, pointed out inadequacies, For reasons unknown, I never posted my running journal from the season finale. You will find it below.
For readers unfamiliar with my “24” posts: I never refer to Jack, Bauer, JB or Jackie, it’s always Jack Bauer. This is a sign of respect, fear, and mocking derision. Last year I counted the number of people killed by people besides Jack Bauer (NJBDs), the number of torture scenes, my prediction ratio, and the number of people knocked down by Jack Bauer (JBKDs). It’s too difficult to determine if Jack Bauer has killed someone or has simply knocked them out and thus any time someone is debilitated by Jack Bauer, it’s counted. In the coming year, I’m going to focus less on the metrics, and more on the constructive criticism. I’ll also try to include a few idiotic “24” links (Esquire:Feature Story:WHAT I’VE LEARNED: Jack Bauer). This one took 2 people to write? Amazing.
You may ask, “If you hate the show so much, why do you watch?” I have two answers, one altruistic and one exhibiting self weakness. I don’t know, I can’t help it. I watch so you don’t have to.
The “24” journal will be a weekly feature of Unlikely Words starting this Sunday and Monday night as we bang out 4 episodes in a hurry.
Without further adieu, last year’s finale.
Woah. In watching the scenes from last week, I realized that Bierkoâ€™s caravan was taken out by an â€œIEDâ€. It seems Loganâ€™s administration has issues with IEDs also! Another Bush parallel. Letâ€™s get right into the finale.
8:02: That gas doesnâ€™t last long, does it? And Bierko doesnâ€™t seem to be wasting any time. Just so weâ€™re all clear. The poisonous gas that can dissipate from a submarine in less than 3 minutes will totally destroy financial and population centers. This was also the same gas that killed about 12 people in a gigantic mall. The submarine must be porous.
8:05: Of course Christopher Henderson needs a gun. He needs to make up for himself.
8:06: Thereâ€™s a survivor on the sub? Good thing they have Jonny Teenager on the sub. An inside man, thatâ€™s all Jack Bauer needs. Just give him a shot.
8:11: How is Officer Rooney talking without the guard hearing him? Jack Bauer can turn anyone into a killer as long as heâ€™s got a radio. Thereâ€™s a little Jack Bauer in all of us, apparently.
8:12: NJBD: 1 (Bad guy by Rooney). It didnâ€™t go as planned, but it went well enough. Why was Jack Bauer so cavalier about shooting that guard? Didnâ€™t that make noise?
8:13: JBKD: 1 (Bad guy). Jack Bauer should really take that machine gun.
8:17: JBKD: 1 (Bad guy). The way that guard was killed was unnecessarily dramatic. Did it need to be like that?
8:18: NJBD: 1 (CTU Agent). JBKD: 1 (Bad guy).
8:19: JBKD: 2 (Bierko and his buddy). It was clear from the very beginning of this show that the missile launch wasnâ€™t going to be a big deal. â€œYou were never going to let me go, were you?â€ â€œNo.â€ And I wasnâ€™t going to give you a loaded weapon, either. Something tells me Christopher Henderson would check his gun when he got it to make sure he got bullets. He probably would be able to tell by the weight of the gun how many bullets he had left. Jack Bauer would have been able to tell, and Christopher Henderson was his mentor. Jack Bauer just sentenced Christopher Henderson. Jack Bauer is judge. Jack Bauer is jury. Jack Bauer is executioner.
8:26: â€œHe fired on me, I didnâ€™t have a choice.â€ Thatâ€™s a Jack Bauer euphemism. Bill Buchannon has heard that one before.
8:29: â€œThereâ€™s still Bauer to deal with.â€ This quotation will go down in history as the biggest understatement in history.
8:30: Come on, Mike. You know youâ€™ve scene a body in the back of a Secret Service car before, you know what to do.
8:32: Thereâ€™s nothing like the love and devotion of a good Secret Service man.
8:38: â€œThis is a real mess, Jack.â€ Another understatement.
8:38: Itâ€™s exciting to consider the possibility of Jack Bauer torturing the sitting president.
8:40: Morris, eh? CHLOEâ€™S EX-HUSBAND?! WOAH, WOAH, WOAH. I didnâ€™t think â€œ24â€ could surprise me anymore. Stop wasting Morrisâ€™s charm, Chloe. Amazing. Iâ€™m back on board. Just when I thought I was done with the show, they introduce a new character with about an hour left in the season finale. Bold.
8:50: Give the First Lady an Emmy. She is the best actress of all time! If you canâ€™t keep him in the city with your heart, use your sex. How many times have this President and this First Lady had sex during this administration? 3, 4 times? No one responds to language like, â€œYouâ€™re the Presidentâ€ like Charles Logan. Theyâ€™re going to have to delay the flight, but we all know Charles Logan will be ready in 3 or 4 minutes. After showering of course.
Morris Oâ€™Brian is the best new character on TV. Morris, Curtis, and Pierce. Thatâ€™s â€œ24â€ next year!
This is interestingâ€¦ Weâ€™re not really in suspense anymore. But this is interesting because the writers are telling us that having a corrupt president is worse than any terrorist attack. I would agree. These writers are angry leftist bloggers, thatâ€™s the only thing thatâ€™s certain.
9:02: JBKD: 1 (Navy Pilot).
9:03: Can Jack Bauer fly a helicopter? I mean. Of course he can, but does he know if he can?
9:05: Again. AGAIN! The First Lady can get anything she wants just by playing to Charles Loganâ€™s need for praise.
9:06: JBKD: 2 (Secret Service detail). Doesnâ€™t say a whole lot for the protection offered by the Secret Service.
9:07: No one has ever been more surprised than Charles Logan or more afraid. Iâ€™m not willing to believe that the Navy pilot wouldnâ€™t have some sort of recourse. Otherwise presidents would be getting kidnapped over and over again.
9:09: JBKD: 1 (The other Navy pilot).
9:10: The Charles Logan weâ€™ve been watching for 23 hours would roll over in a second to save himself. He wouldnâ€™t stop blabbering until they stuck a sock in his mouth. Do Jack Bauer and Morris Oâ€™Brian remember each other from company picnics and happy hours?
9:16: Charles Logan is tougher than Walt Cummings? I donâ€™t think so. Theyâ€™ve never reconciled the fact that President Logan was involved in whatever Walt Cummings was working on and President Logan pretended not to know Walt was involved. Though they almost certainly would have bumped into each other at planning committee meetings.
9:20: The President and Jack Bauer are playing chicken to see who has less to lose.
9:21: Jack Bauer just blinked. What the F. Itâ€™s probably the handcuffs or phone or pen. Theyâ€™ve got microphones and the President is about to tell all. Just wait. Or maybe thatâ€™s too obvious?
9:28: Good shot of streaming Fox News on a Sprint phone. Someone just got a bonus.
9:29: Woah! I thought he loved her, and then he goes and hits her? Crap.
9:30: Heâ€™s not so stupid. Charles Logan knows his wife doesnâ€™t love him anymore. I think heâ€™s digging his own grave now. Admit it, Charles. Sheâ€™s leading him on. This is awesome. Keep going. More, more, more. What happens in the presidential compound stays in the presidential compound! Or does it?
9:38: This seems to bring in the NSA wiretapping scandal (again?) with the Attorney General unwilling to even listen to the tape.
9:43: Where did Jack Bauer get those bumps on his head?
9:45: It did seem strange that the phone call was on the landline and couldnâ€™t get patched through to the cell. But how is this all going to end? Maybe next year is the Curtis show!
9:50: I wonder if Buchannon is going to ask Karen Myers to dinner? HAHAHA YES, HE IS! Sweet. Or breakfast.
9:51: Morris Oâ€™Brian is charmingâ€¦
9:53: The Chinese. Of course. We should have known.
Iâ€™m not sure how I feel about this. I really donâ€™t agree with the carry over from year to year. Especially because the last time it happened (when David shook hands with poison) I donâ€™t remember anything coming of it except some strange scarring. I canâ€™t remember what season that was (the 2nd to 3rd?), though, so maybe Iâ€™m crazy.
This concludes the â€œ24â€ journaling project. I hope you enjoyed some part of the around 16,000 words I wrote on the subject over the last 20 some odd weeks.
Total for tonight, 9 JBKCs, 0 tortures, 2 NJBDs, Prediction Ratio N/A
Totals for the season, 46 JBKCs, 5 tortures, 150 NJBDs, Prediction Ratio 45% (5 out of 11)